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R
raj
Oct 31, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Surrogate Eyes [Sunku]

rocky
mountains are
mysterious

silence
is their call
in the valley

breathless
I've become
their only eyes

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

IRiz

IRiz

6 years 8 months ago

What did you have in mind,

What did you have in mind, could you explain the last stanza?
Have your entire being become eyes?
Have you become eyes for some bigger creature?

R

raj

6 years 8 months ago

Hi IRiz

as mentioned by you ...there has to be something left to imagination of the reader...in this one it's the concluding stanza...."breathless" one becomes after scaling up the rock...both physically as well as after looking around...so on climbing to the top my eyes see from the perspective of the rock....
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IRiz

IRiz

6 years 8 months ago

Yes, but it is always nice to

Yes, but it is always nice to know what it ment by the author.
Thank you for explaining and sharing your thoughts.
I would be a bit more specific in the last line.

Maybe,

Breathless
I've become
Their only eyes

What do you think?

R

raj

6 years 8 months ago

Thanks IRiz

thanks for coming back and giving a suggestion which is pretty good...but don't you think "i've become" is 4 syllables instead of the prescribed 3 for line 2? I have liked your suggestion and will try to find a 3 syllable line....

other than that how did you find this attempt?

thanks again...
.......................................................

R

raj

6 years 8 months ago

Thanks for confirming on

Thanks for confirming on syllable count IRiz...appreciated..
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