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Words Ablaze
Words Ablaze
Jul 15, 2024 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Talking to the moon

Only the moon can bear witness
To promises whispered in darkness
Only the moon could speak of our time
Of almost bliss and breathless kisses
Out there underneath the black dome

While the stars blinked and blushed,
Among the shadows solemnly hushed,
We swayed and swayed as the trees
Do with the breeze...
We swayed, we swayed,
With a "moon and tide" ease.

How quickly it all withers away
A death so diligent as that of a rose
Nothing good can ever stay
And that is how it all goes.

Looking back now how I held her
So close in a moment too rare
Too close for a mere mortal to bear
I think it only a beautifully crafted lie.
Splendid moon won't you even try?
Make me believe before I sink to grief

That she laid imbedded here
In these arms-- never to part.
So close she was more than near
So close she was as my heart
My heart and arms holding her,
Mine...oh mine and part of me!

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Botswana

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allen Poe, Robert Frost, Lord Byron, Kalil Jibran

More from this author

Comments

Triskelion

Triskelion

1 year ago

I think...

...the ai is confused by the relationship of some words and thoughts. It's like a digital stroke, I think. Wouldn't it be cool to understand what it's programming encounters? Its reaction? Don't read too far into it. Just keep writing...

Thomas

Words Ablaze

Words Ablaze

1 year ago

Haha you mean I scrambled up

Haha you mean I scrambled up it's wires with a few lines. It definetly would be insanely cool to read a poem as the AI would. The punishment we must be dealing to the poor thing with all our phrasing of things. OK I'll keep at it then

Triskelion

Triskelion

1 year ago

Meter SVP

the theme has potential if you are looking to clean it up.

Out THERE, underNEATH our HEAVENly DOME

Everyone has something to help others improve. That's how communities grow.

Thomas

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

1 year ago

hello Words Ablaze,

I was diggin' it, humming along...then this line brought me up short:

Out there under a terrific heavenly dome

actually it was the word "terrific" that squelched my ear, like playing a wrong note on a musical instrument! Perhaps another descriptor? I find no fault with the rest of your lovely poem. These lines are pure enchantment:

While the stars blinked and blushed,
Among the shadows solemnly hushed,
We swayed and swayed as the trees
Do with the breeze...
We swayed, we swayed,
With a "moon and tide" ease.

I love it!, even the inevitable grief that sets in... so poignant!

*hugs, Cat

Words Ablaze

Words Ablaze

1 year ago

I love that you loved it.

I love that you loved it. Thank you for reading, I know I always get solid feedback when you do. "Poignant" is what I was gunning for haha.

kowque

kowque

12 months ago

This was long

But, as an African, I'm hoping you aren't bewitching your enemies during these times #jokes

Very strong word play

Words Ablaze

Words Ablaze

12 months ago

Yea it's long.. I like to

Yea it's long.. I like to thoroughly spill out my guts. I guess this is where we stand apart... You being the brief 2line guy and the 2 paragraph dude.

kowque

kowque

12 months ago

The sway sway bit..

Lol, Seems like y'all decided
To catch flu

But, young lovers
Take risks

Lovely piece