raj

May 04, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A Tanka on Eclipse

World watches in awe
the superimposition
Earth shadowing Moon

Two celestial super stars
during a brief rendezvous

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

alidzain

11 years 2 months ago

Hi Raj

A senryu followed by a couplet is actually called a tenka, at least that's what i remember from barabara's workshop. By the way, I counted 6 syllables in the second line of the couplet, unless I am wrong and "rendezvous" is a 4- syllabled word.

Alid

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Alid

I stand corrected. The workshop conducted by Babara recently was titled Renga 6 and not Senryu 6 as i had mentioned in my earlier response to your comment. Now Barabara needs to confirm if this poem classifies as Renga or Tenga. :) we will soon find out if she happens to visit this one...

Regards,

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Alid

Thanks for the visit and your comment. I feel rendezvous is a 3 syllable word. Assuming that to be correct I so agree that the syllable count works out to 6. Thanks for spotting this. I will correct it to 7 by replacing "At" with "During"

The workshop recently conducted by Barbara was called Senryu 6. I therefore await her clariifiation should she visit here, if this should be called a Senryu or Tenka.

Regards,

alidzain

11 years 2 months ago

Hey, no problem

I'm always glad I could be of help.

Alid

loved

11 years 2 months ago

must be good

I promised to remain
within my freer domain
you ur title
do retain

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Thanks Loved for stopping by

Thanks Loved for stopping by and for your comment.

Regards,

Rula

11 years 2 months ago

whatever is the form

I really thought this very clever... The word choice, the imagery, no word wastes.
I won't change a thing. Perfect!

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Hi Rula

Thank you for the read and your appreciative comment, works like tonic.

Regards,

Barbara Writes

11 years 2 months ago

Hi Raj and Alid

I happy to see the discussion here and you guys enthusiasm for learning new forms of poetry.
Actually. Alid is correct what you have written is called a Tanka. (not Tenka).

A senryu***
World watches in awe
the superimposition
Moon shadowing Sun

A couplet***
Two celestial super stars
during a brief rendezvous

Senryu + Couplet = Tanka

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Barbara & Alid

Thank you Barbara for the visit and your clarification. You didn't comment though on the Tanka...

Alid you were spot on...I stand corrected friend..

Regards,

Barbara Writes

11 years 2 months ago

raj

I had plan to comment. Just wanted to make sure yall understand the difference.
I think the Tanka is beautiful. The very first line sets up the image. A star gazer watching the beautiful union of the moon and the sun and then the dance like that of a bride and groom, the moon eclipse the sun. beautiful

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Barbara

Thank you for re-visiting this page and your comment, works like tonic.

Regards,.

alidzain

11 years 2 months ago

Hi Raj and everyone,

I think I'm going to attempt posting a Tanka as well for the sake of learning . All I ask is for your guidance as usual for me to improve in my writing and usage of the English words.Barbara, may I suggest that we have another Renga Workshop for those who are keen on the subject and who wanted to join but have missed out on the previous workshop.

Alid

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Good friend Alid, I have

Good friend Alid, I have already made a few suggestions on your Tenka before reading this comment of yours..

Regards,

Barbara Writes

11 years 2 months ago

Alid

yes of course. All who want to join Renga with me PM me and Ill add you to the participation list.

alidzain

11 years 2 months ago

okay then

noted

swamp-witch

11 years 2 months ago

Hello Raj,

As Barbara has mentioned, a Japanese poem following the syllable pattern 5-7-5-7-7 is a Tanka, although, it may be confusing to think of the last two lines as a couplet because couplets can be any length. Also, couplets tend to be a separate stanza but Tankas can be either 5-7-5-7-7 (one stanza) or 5-7-5 7-7 (two stanzas).

I also wrote a poem commemorating the eclipse, but I'm still not ready to post it!

If I may make one small suggestion, in a lunar eclipse, it is the earth which is shadowing the moon, so if this poem is about the lunar eclipse, line three should read "earth shadowing moon". Hope this helps.