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Apr 29, 2014
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Tanka Goodnight baby
Rock the cradle, Dear
I will sing the lullaby
to bid him goodnight
It's time for baby to sleep
until a new day begins
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Eduardo Cruz
11 years 2 months ago
Alid,
I think your speaking of the inner Child, The cradle rocking makes me think of something that use to be said when some one was creating problem "don't rock the Cradle." in other words their rocking the cradle only for their own end and tomorrow I will forgive you to start anew. Is that what this is or am I a Martian with no understanding. where the hell is my muse I think I need help!
Well, that's my perception of this, if so it is great in it's metaphoric power.
Eddie
alidzain
11 years 2 months ago
Eddie
Damn, I wish I have your insights but sadly no. lol. I'm just describing a moment shared by parents. Usually the one who rocks the cradle is the one who sings the lullaby but the father wants to do it as he has missed out most of the time with the baby as he is always at work and he wants this moment shared as a family. Its like a message of love, telling the baby how much he missed him, that while he may not be there when he woke up, he'll always be there when he is going to sleep.You see, I got the idea but not how to put all of it in the poem. Pathetic, aren't I?Maybe you can teach me how to do just that..Should I turn this into a renga instead? I can, if you are willing to join in. : )
Alid
Eduardo Cruz
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
I don't mind helping when I can, but I am not a joiner any more. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow. I only live in the moment that is NOW that is all I know. the fact is that I am a novice, there are poets here who can truly help. The important thing is that Neopost is a workshop so taking advantage of the workshops is the best way to learn.
Well back to your poem, I like what you wrote, but sometimes I read to much into things, because I am seeing a picture from my own disturbed mind. (as he scratches his head in confusion) LMFAO!!
Bravo!
Eddie
Barbara Writes
11 years 2 months ago
alid
Tanka not tenka. a beautiful lullaby
alidzain
11 years 2 months ago
Hi Barbara
Thank you for dropping by.
Alid
Ian.T
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
You have now come to grips with the Haiku and other forms of Japanese poetry, this one is in it's simplicity good to read.
Now comes the crunch, have a look at some of the great writes of this form and find out the overall picture, I feel that you are missing out on adapting the form to stretch the mind in subtlety.
Bring in a mystery and a finesse of words and meanings.
Hope you wont mind, I was speaking to Barbara about Hybrid Haiku's the other day, now these are another form, then both western and the refined Japanese forms, have a read up and come back to us here, Yours as always Ian.T
alidzain
11 years 2 months ago
I'll try
still need more time for a change. I know you are right. It's not that I am not aware of it. I am.
Alid
Barbara Writes
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
Another read and it sounds even more wonderful