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Oct 26, 2024
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TERRORS OF THE YOUNG.
In darkness he lies
Blankets up to his chin,
Eyes stare into blackness
Would the monsters rush in?
Tap tap on the window,
Scritch scratch, rustle rustle;
Just a branch from a tree
Scrapes the pane, tenses muscle.
From its hide behind clouds
A bright moon appears,
Casts shadows on curtains
To build up his fears.
Nerves stretch as a fiddle
Taut for the bow,
Buries deeper 'neath blankets
Whimpers loud, fast and low.
He remembers the girl,
The terror that drove
Her on through the trees
As winds howled, boughs bowed.
Branches clawed out like talons
Her soft flesh to rend;
She screamed, ran and stumbled
As her life did depend.
Now the terror was his
The wind howled loud
From hell they were coming
Deep he trembled and cowed.
The door bursts wide open
Light floods coal black room
Dispelling the darkness
Saving him from doom:
"What is that shouting?"
His mother stands there
Hastened to see up
Steep wooden stairs:
"Nightmares again?
I'll say one last time,
No more watching Snow White
Before your bedtime".
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Who recalls being frightened at a young age by a fairy story or such. For me it was the Cartoon 'Snow White' seen so many years ago. The part where she runs terrified through the forest, trees clawing at her gave me bad dreams for ages.
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
8 months ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively uses imagery and rhythm to create a suspenseful narrative. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.
1. Consistency in Rhyme Scheme: The rhyme scheme of the poem is inconsistent. For example, the first stanza follows an ABAB pattern, while the second stanza follows an AABB pattern. Consistency in rhyme scheme can provide a smoother reading experience.
2. Punctuation: There are a few places where punctuation could be improved for clarity. For example, in the line "Scrapes the pane,tenses muscle," a space after the comma would improve readability.
3. Word Choice: Some of the language used in the poem is a bit archaic, such as "neath" and "cowed." While this can add a certain charm to the poem, it may also make it less accessible to some readers. Consider whether the use of such language is necessary for the poem's overall effect.
4. Narrative Clarity: The transition between the boy's fear and the story of the girl running through the trees is a bit abrupt. Providing more context or a smoother transition could improve the narrative flow of the poem.
5. Ending: The ending of the poem is a bit abrupt and the tone shifts dramatically. While this can be an effective technique, it might be worth considering whether a more gradual shift in tone would be more effective in this case.
Overall, the poem does a good job of creating a suspenseful atmosphere and telling a story. With some refinement, it could be even more effective.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
8 months ago
I guess...
that maybe my father having reluctance to purchase T.V. [his drinking finances wouldn't permit], might have saved me from
some childhood traumas! Thanks Pop! I think that many times, adults don't see the things that can deliver trauma to us kiddies. I certainly hope that you can watch Snow White these days, without having nightmares. Your meter is good, and the rhyme is perfect. Who would have thought? ~ Geez.
.
Alex Tanner
8 months ago
Still a scaredy cat
Some animations are terrifying, give me a good gory zombie film any day. Thanks geez, always appreciated. Alex
Rula
8 months ago
Hello sir Alex
At least you weren't in the middle of true horror like too many children in my part of the world.
Only God knows what would the coming days hold for them.
But this has certainly at least vividly captured the fear quiet well!
Thank you for sharing and best wishes as you don't need much luck :)
Alex Tanner
8 months ago
Hi Rula
You are, of course, quite right. I have been most fortunate being born at the end of the war and, apart from the Suez crisis and Falklands which did not directly affect us, have not suffered the horrors that are currently affecting so much of the planet. In view of the current events I thought several times as to whether or not I would put this piece on. I'm still not sure whether that was a correct decision. Alex
Candlewitch
8 months ago
Dear Alex,
Not to worry, I think you made the right decision in posting this poem! I enjoyed/appreciated it as a growth experience. "Bambi" was the animation (for kids?) motion picture that deeply got to me and had me in tears. Thank you for posting this.
*hugs, Cat
Candlewitch
8 months ago
Bambi...
His mother was shot dead, His father came to him and led him away from the fire. I am not sure how the fire started, but I watched in terror as it raged on! i was just a little kid. I had nightmares about it...
*hugs, Cat
Rula
8 months ago
Sir Alex
Pls. never regret posting such a piece.
Sorry if my comment gave you such an impression.I was just thinking aloud.
If this piece reflects anything it reflects the sensitive man that you are.
This is a winner piece on many levels.
Best wishes!