alidzain

Nov 03, 2015 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the contest:

THANKS

(Read More...)

Thank You, God ( November Contest)

I see the colours and shapes that fill the earth
and the joy of a dead land embracing rebirth.
I hear the sound of rustling leaves from the trees
as I enjoy the gentle caress of a summer's breeze.

I smell the fragrance from a bouquet of flowers,
and see declaration of hearts from hopeful lovers.
I feel my mum's rough hands when I clasp them in greeting.
and remember her struggles through years of caring.

I'm thankful to God for experience gained
from the gifts of sight,,smell, hearing and feeling,
for the peace in my country that's no longer restrained
and the wonderful life that's worth living.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

Barbara Writes

9 years 8 months ago

Nice work

I've walked through swan lake gardens in my city and your poem thankfulness makes think of how God creatively designed us to enjoy it.

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Thanks Barbara

I'm still not happy with it but don't know how to improve.

Alid

Sparrow

9 years 8 months ago

Alid

A tribute to being, and those around you.
That have made your now.
They will always walk within you,
Their ways will be as a beacon to reach out for.
Yours as always Ian..

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Thanks Ian

I am waiting for someone to help me tweak this one abit.

Alid

Sparrow

9 years 8 months ago

Alid

I have been away for 9 days,
so I will have a better look at this one later when time permits,
Take care and know that there are many walking with you,
Yours as always, Ian..

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Ian

I think I won't edit this anymore so that I can focus on the ballade writing exercise which is soooo much tougher than sonnet. I think after I finish my ballade, I'll be out celebrating my success. lol.

Alid

wesley snow

9 years 8 months ago

I know you will.

You will have whipped the second hardest form in English poetry.

wesley snow

9 years 8 months ago

Don't touch it.

It is lovely and if you read it like you had never read it before you would see that. It moved me near the end. That doesn't happen much anymore. I've read too much... don't touch it. It is finished.
Revel in it and leave it alone.

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Wow, thanks, Wes

for the visit, the read and the kind words,

Alid

judyanne

9 years 8 months ago

i agree with Wes to a point...

Just a few little niggles that i think need attention - remember, apart from the grammar and spelling corrections, it is just imo....
To my ear, a couple of verses are just a tad long...

I see the colours and shapes that fills the earth (fill)
I hear the sound of rusling leaves from the trees (rustling)

l smell the fragrance from a bouquet of flowers,
the declaration of hearts from hopeful lovers.
(Sounds like you smell the hearts ...
maybe 'watch declaration of hearts... ?)

I am thankful to God for the experiences I have gained
(Here's one i found too long - maybe
I'm thankful to God, for experience gained)

and the wonderful life that is worth living. (Another a tad long
Maybe 'that's' instead of 'that is')

Beautiful write Alid...
best of luck in the contest
love judy
xxx

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Judy!

Thank you so much. I do feel some lines are too long but I don't know how to trim it without messing up the message. A question, though.

''I'm thankful to God, for experience gained''
Shouldn't it be ''experiences'' instead?

Alid

judyanne

9 years 8 months ago

its a subtle difference

but you might've missed that I dropped the 'the'
'I'm thankful to God for the experiences gained'
'I'm thankful to God for experience gained'
to my ear it just reads smoother without the 's', and without the 'the' 'experience' can be read as broad, which is the same as pleural ....
Hope this helps xxx