That's All There Is

That's all there is
I found the end of the line
the end of me
the end and the limit
of everyone's patience.

I found the end of fear,
and it's a bittersweet place;
I'm not sure I like it much.

To be yourself,
scratch that,
to be myself
I learned a lot
has to be given up.
I had to ask myself
"is it worth it?"

A really long time ago
I gave up me.
And so, when I took "me" back up
I did it at the cost of everything else.

Sometimes I wear a T - shirt
that says
"Jesus Loves you,"
and I wonder if that's even true anymore.

Sometimes, I ask myself if God
is a "What have you done for Me lately?"
kind of god.
Sometimes, I wonder that of all people.

I wish Bob Schoenbeck were here.
There are times I convince myself
that none of any of this would have happened,
or at least would have happened more sensibly
if he were still around.

But then I remember who I am,
the cost involved with being myself,
and tell myself, remind myself
that I said
"I'm prepared to pay the price."
I'd quip, and make a witty remark
about hidden fees,
but have not an ounce of cleverness left in me.

But now,
for now,
I live in a world of lawyers getting rich.
I.
Not you and I,
not we,
there is no we,
there is no you and I.
There is only I.

That's all there is.