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Jan 09, 2025
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These Old Hands
My hands are old and worn
My knuckles ache each day,
With skin as thin as parchment,
My hands still have much to say.
These hands survived a childhood
Held a ball, and a fishing pole,
An accident or two with stitches
Broken bones took a painful toll.
One hand was raised to take an oath
To serve a nation then fight a war,
Raised once again, another oath,
Enforcing laws would be the chore.
Hands that caressed a woman's skin
Then bore a golden wedding ring,
Held a newborn child, oh so close,
To all those wonders I still cling.
Old hands that held and comforted
While waiting for help to soon arrive,
Tied tourniquets to stop the bleeding,
Pumped hearts attempting to revive.
Hands that have seen better days
Weathered but still they work a bit,
They still hold the hands of those I love,
These hands are not ready yet to quit.
There's much these hands are yet to do
As they turn pages in the book of time,
Those who need an old man's hug,
Imaginary mountains I have yet to climb.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
5 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "These Old Hands" effectively uses the motif of hands to narrate a life story, creating a vivid and evocative journey through time. The consistent focus on hands as a symbol of experience, resilience, and continued purpose is well-executed and provides a strong thematic thread throughout the poem.
However, the poem could benefit from more varied and creative language use. While the simple language contributes to the poem's accessibility and straightforward narrative, it occasionally risks becoming repetitive or predictable. Experimenting with more diverse vocabulary, metaphors, and similes could enhance the poem's imagery and emotional impact.
The poem's structure is generally consistent, with a regular rhyme scheme and rhythm. However, there are a few instances where the rhythm falters, such as in the lines "Held a newborn child, oh so close," and "Those who need an old man's hug,". Adjusting these lines to better fit the poem's established rhythm could improve the poem's overall flow and musicality.
The poem's narrative could be deepened by exploring the emotional and psychological aspects of the experiences described. While the poem effectively recounts a series of events and roles, it could provide a more nuanced and engaging portrayal of the speaker's life by delving into the feelings, thoughts, and reflections associated with these experiences.
Lastly, the poem's ending could be made more impactful. The current ending, while consistent with the poem's theme and narrative, is somewhat predictable and lacks a strong emotional punch. Experimenting with different ways to conclude the poem could provide a more memorable and thought-provoking ending.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
5 months 2 weeks ago
These Old Hands
Hello, William,
The rhythm and rhyme are wonderful, and the theme is very appealing. What an outstanding life you've led. It sounds like many owe a debt of gratitude to you and your strong hands. The final line is so inspiring.
Thank you, and your beautiful poem!
L
William Lynn
5 months 2 weeks ago
Hi Lavender.
Hi Lavender.
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to read and comment. I always enjoy hearing from you.
I hope all is well in your world! - Will
Lavender
5 months 2 weeks ago
All is well!
Thank you! I hope you are, too!
L
Ray Miller
5 months 2 weeks ago
These Old Hands
Enjoyed the poem and I'm of an age that can empathise. Something I noticed was the frequency of "then" in this passage -
Held a ball, then a fishing pole,
An accident or two with stitches
Broken bones took a painful toll.
One hand was raised to take an oath
To serve a nation then fight a war,
Then raised again, another oath,
Law enforcement would be the chore.
Hands that caressed a woman's skin
Then bore a golden wedding ring,
Three of the instances cod be easily replaced by "and", which, for me anyway, aids the rhythm.
William Lynn
5 months 2 weeks ago
Hello Ray.
Hello Ray.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I always appreciate any suggestions to make a poem read better, and I will take a look and make appropriate changes.
All my best, Will