02/25 They Call The Wind

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They called the wind

Amidst the gloom and retracted malaise,
In this batshit phychotic phase.
Darkness sucks the life out of thee,
Employs a normative version of insanity.

Swirling fog sucked the breath of joy,
As a hyenna appears to enjoy.
Or a clown with it's evil laugh,
Trekking down that unrighteous path.

Dragged us through the earthly gates of hell,
Lower and lower down that hole we fell.
And I swear I heard a voice say,
"Twas they who called the wind today".

Yet a nightmare would see an awakening,
From such scary blusterous shaking.
But in our perpetual state of despair,
Came this storm, from out of nowhere.

It picked us up in vicious jaws,
Clasped at us with determined claws.
Tossed us around like a violent wave,
Death would feel like it was brave.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Coventry, England, GBR

Favorite Poets: Michael Rosen , Rudyard Kipling , Pam Ayres , Benjamin Zephaniah

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

neopoet

4 months 3 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "They called the wind" demonstrates a strong grasp of imagery and metaphor, creating a vivid picture of despair and chaos. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm. The varying line lengths and syllable counts can disrupt the flow of the poem. For example, the second line of the first stanza, "In this batshit phychotic phase," is noticeably shorter than the other lines and breaks the rhythm.

Secondly, the poem could also benefit from a more careful use of language. Some phrases, such as "batshit phychotic phase," may come across as jarring or inappropriate in the context of the poem's overall tone.

Lastly, the poem's message or theme could be made clearer. While the imagery is strong, it's not always clear how it ties back to the central theme of the poem. For example, it's not clear why a hyena or a clown are included in the poem or what they symbolize.

In conclusion, while the poem shows promise, it could be improved by focusing on rhythm, language, and clarity of theme.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

4 months 3 weeks ago

Hi Tigger...

With the various mentions of "blusterous shaking", and storms, I think that it contains enough allusions to the wind, to make sense. Very nicely done, with lots of rhythm and good meter. I don't exactly care much for the last verse, [it doesn't seem to fit the rest of the piece]. I think you could do without it. ~ Geezer.
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