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Aug 18, 2013
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TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE (for emotion workshop)
Eyes snap awake in strange dark room
skin covered with a stale cold sweat
whose stench spreads in a rancid plume
among the bedclothes soaking wet
Closed window admits clear moon light
confirming I don't know where the hell I am
Or who is sleeping to my right
it surely isn't my wife Pam
i try to clear my mind's morass
by both slapping and shaking my head
which fails to align my compass
i slowly sit up in the bed
The shifting of my body's weight
causes my mystery mate to stir
and murmure "Are you OK Joe?"
then light snore exits her
Although not Joe, I leave her bed
I still don't recall her or her name
questions swirl in my tired head
like some cruel memory game
Because I KNOW my name is Steve
I have a young son and a wife
and drive a Beamer I believe
I lead a staid and stable life
The only men's clothes in the room
are biker boots, jacket and faded jeans
which I don in the dark gloom
as my mind spins and the world leans
As the door clicks behind me
vertigo makes me nearly fall
and collapse down on bended knee
on Steve's memories the curtains fall
.........
Eyes snap open in the dark
I arise in the littered hall
then smile at the just passed sex lark
she's just a cheap whore after all
I, Joe, leave the old brownstone
and check the wallet in my pants
driver's liscence resides there alone
the name is Steve Hilson---
again my world begins to dance
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is supposed to convey the confusion felt by those who have multiple personality disorder
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
11 years 10 months ago
Hello Stan
I believe you've captured the complex mood of confusion really well with pretty
good use of both rhythm and rhyme. NOW I feel really sorry for Joe....NO, I mean Steve. :)
One little tiny suggestion..
I think you should find a substitute for the dashes to show that you've shifted to a new interval
may be saying ' two hours later' or ' the time passed'...but it is oK as it is, just a thought to keep the
poetic line on.
Well done !!
What my name was?!
scribbler
11 years 10 months ago
double post
sorry
scribbler
11 years 10 months ago
Hi Rula
I had considered using a triple line spacing to illustrate the disconnect. I think Any verbal depiction might be a mistake but I'll give it due thought when I edit...................stan
Rula
11 years 10 months ago
one more issue
I found it unfamiliar of you to use an archaic word like 'thine'.I know it is intentional 100% . Just wondering.
S6.......I know my "name"
scribbler
11 years 10 months ago
Darn
Those cursed typos will be the death of me lol. Good thing I have many eagle eyes to spot them. Thank you. As to Thine....can't be changed as the title is a direct quotation............stan
Ian.T
11 years 10 months ago
Stan
I think Rula is losing this plot,
A good write I hope you'll be alright
When the evening steals you away
What you are doing I think the names must stay.
Or the press will get hold of you and ruin that lovely life lol
Just the "Y" to return in the line:- Because I KNOW mt name is Steve.
The two lines in this stanza can be shortened:-
Closed window clear moon light
I don't know where the hell I am
Or who is sleeping to my right
it surely isn't my wife Pam..
What say you!!
A good workshop piece for split personality, Yours Ian.T
scribbler
11 years 10 months ago
greetings Ian
Hmm... I'll give shortening those lines some thought but my initial thought is that unless really choppy, short lines don't convey confusion as well as a longer one can.............stan
Ian.T
11 years 10 months ago
Stan
I suggested the shorter lines to balance the poem, but just put it down to us being picky..
Have a lovely day out there, with all our love Sparrow,Yenti, Ian.T and Spuggy, the children and especially Sadie.
Just for Rula she is sleeping lol
Rula
11 years 10 months ago
Ian
I haven't lost the plot, I am just so confused after reading Stan's. Now I don't know Stan from Ian or Sparrow from Yenti.LOL
Ian.T
11 years 10 months ago
Sweet Lady of the Flowing sands
Fear not that names are changed and memories fail.
It is age that brings these things to us at the tolling of the bell LOL
An Edit here and there of your comment not true will make sense to the reader other than just you.
Have a lovely day out there, with all our love Sparrow,Yenti, Ian.T and Spuggy, the children and especially Sadie.
BlueDemon77
11 years 10 months ago
Good work Stan
There are some minor flaws but overall you conveyed the confusion and terror of waking up in a situation completely alien to you. Kudos.
Ron
PRECIOUSLYSET1
11 years 10 months ago
I can feel the confusion
I can feel the confusion
its a really good read didn't catch
the rhythm til halfway thru
scribbler
11 years 10 months ago
Hi Precious
Thank you. I reckon the rhythm being unobtrusive is a good thing.............stan
eightmenout
11 years 10 months ago
Stan
I think you did a really good job on this one. I did find some logic issues and a few places where the language could be addressed, but these are secondary to your achievment. If you would like for me to expound, would be more than happy to.
Scot
scribbler
11 years 10 months ago
Hi Scott
Some of the logic issues were intentional to refleck the confusion of missing segments of each personality's memory. But There may well be some which are accidental so expound away ................stan