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Oct 15, 2024
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Thorny Roses
You look at them and you see charm,
You become enchanted by their beauty,
You fall in love unintentionally with them,
You draw closer to them with glee,
Knowing not that they are thorny roses.
Like an Icarus flying too close to the sun,
You cannot resist their fine ornament,
You get tangled in their sturdy vines,
Before you untangle from their spell,
Behold, you succumb to their thorns.
You love them, they wound you,
You cherish them, they bruise you,
You caress them, they blotch you,
You water them, they destroy you,
Thorny, thorny, thorny roses.
I am now barefoot because of them,
Tormented and broken because of them,
Dead yet alive because of them,
Bitter and shamed because of them,
Oh thorny roses, ain’t you ashamed of yourself?
I am a shadow of the woman I was,
Before I set my eyes on your deceiving beauty,
Overwhelmed with hate and resentment,
As empty as a sunny dry desert,
My heart is ripped to shreds and trashed,
THORNY ROSES BE NOT PROUD!
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
9 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Thorny Roses" effectively uses the metaphor of roses with thorns to convey a message about the complexities of love and relationships. The comparison to Icarus flying too close to the sun adds depth to the theme of being drawn in by something beautiful but ultimately getting hurt. The repetition of "Thorny, thorny, thorny roses" emphasizes the pain and damage caused by these deceptive beauties. The shift in tone towards the end, where the speaker expresses bitterness and resentment, adds a layer of emotional depth to the poem. The use of imagery, such as being barefoot, tormented, and broken, effectively conveys the speaker's anguish. Consider refining the structure and flow of the poem to enhance its impact further. Additionally, exploring different poetic devices like meter, rhyme, or varied line lengths could add more musicality and depth to the piece.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Rula
9 months 1 week ago
Hello K.
And a warm welcome to Neopoet.
Hope you will enjoy your time here as we all do.
A very appealing theme. Well expressed.
Like an Icarus flying too close to the sun,
You cannot resist their fine ornament,
You get tangled in their sturdy vines,
Before you untangle from their spell,
Behold, you succumb to their thorns
Great metaphor used all through.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you for sharing.
Geezer
9 months 1 week ago
Like Rula...
I appreciate your use of many metaphors and the story of a woman who has been betrayed by love. Your poem is full of descriptive words and phrases that tell a good story. Welcome to Neopoet, I hope that you enjoy your time here, like us all.
My advice is to read, read, read, any and all of the poets that you find interesting, and adjust your writing as you go. I also look forward to seeing your work progress, ~ Geezer.
.
Candlewitch
9 months ago
I Echo Geezer
He has given you great advice...welcome to the Neopoet poetry site, it is very nice to meet you!
*hugs, Cat