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zanieike
zanieike
Oct 19, 2019 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

The thoughts of a troubled soul

Can I run away from my problems?
It chases me as a predator to a prey
Looking to devour
my human sanity,
I have no immunity
from its fangs,
which hovers around
My self-consciousness;
Breaking inner glows
Corrupting rows of thoughts

Can I be free from these shackles?
My mind is latched with spiraling
Melancholy tormenting
My soul every day,
Happiness whistles but
The aura of my troubles
Clamp-on it.
I only ask for peace,
When will I be joyful again?
Freedom is far from my grasp.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Owerri,Nigeria

More from this author

Comments

Rottiestyl

Rottiestyl

5 years 11 months ago

Happiness whistles but

Happiness whistles but
The aura of my troubles
Clamp-on it.

Hi, I copied this part of the poem because it grabbed at my ankles, so to speak. Made in stop dead in my tracks, not just run down the rest of the poem but slow down, savor the sadness. The wanting of peace. This was powerful. I see nothing to comment on. Just wanted to let you know you hit a soft spot for me with this. Great write.

Eumolpus

Eumolpus

5 years 11 months ago

A few thoughts

Since you do not specifically tell us what your problems are, they become generic, and universal, In that case, I would make the poem universal by putting it in third person, with a few edits:

Can we run away from our problems?
It chases us as a predator
Looking to devour
our human sanity,
There is no immunity
from its fangs,
which hovers around
our consciousness;
Breaking inner glows
Corrupting rows of thoughts... etc.

Most often a poem in first person works better with specifics, personal details, but this poem is too broad for that, so I see it more effective in 3rd person.

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