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Nov 05, 2024
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Through the Storm
A mother’s heart,
In pieces,
All hope gone.
Quietly she sits,
Reminiscing
On the day it all went wrong.
Heart-crushing words,
Unthinkable—
Her whole world torn apart,
As the doctor said,
Apologetic,
“We can’t hear the heart.”
Completely numb,
Bewildered,
She sits with a blank stare,
In total denial,
Refusing
To face her deepest fear
She cried out loud,
Unyielding,
As pain consumed her soul,
A boundless grief,
Relentless,
She couldn’t quite control.
She grieved her child,
In silence,
Each day a hidden ache,
And carried loss
Within her,
A wound that wouldn’t break.
Some days it slept,
So softly,
Just embers in her chest,
But then it flared,
Unbidden,
A fire without rest.
Yet time moved on,
A flicker—
A fragile, quiet glow,
A rainbow child,
A promise
Through healing she would know.
A mother’s heart,
Still mending,
With love born out of pain—
Where sorrow lives,
And joy blooms,
As sunshine follows rain.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is based on a personal experience of loss and hope regained
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
7 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Through the Storm" effectively utilizes a narrative structure to convey a story of loss, grief, and eventual healing. The use of simple, direct language allows the emotional weight of the narrative to shine through, and the consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme provide a sense of continuity throughout the poem.
However, there are a few areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement. For example, the shift from the intense grief of the mother to the arrival of the 'rainbow child' feels abrupt. This transition could be more effectively handled by providing a smoother narrative bridge between these two emotional states.
Additionally, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery. While the existing metaphors, such as 'embers in her chest' and 'a fire without rest', effectively convey the mother's emotional state, they are somewhat generic. More unique or personal images could make the poem more engaging and emotionally resonant for the reader.
Lastly, the poem's ending could be strengthened. The final line 'As sunshine follows rain' is a common phrase that may not fully capture the complexity of the mother's journey. A more nuanced or unexpected ending could leave a stronger impression on the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
7 months 3 weeks ago
Dear Merlicka
I thought your title was compelling. The subject matter was a trail of sorrow leading to joy in the ending. my favorite lines are:
A mother’s heart,
Still mending,
With love born out of pain—
Where sorrow lives,
And joy blooms,
As sunshine follows rain.
hugs, Cat xxx