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Mar 31, 2016
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Thunder Cracks Eerily
I can't enter the acrostic contest, must be too late. I thought I would share my effort anyway.
Thunder cracks and rolls along
Heavy rains morph into sleet
Undergrowth quails at this song
Nervous at so strong a beat
Desperate animals throng
Every head bowed in defeat
Ravens ascending to meet
Colourful berries abound
Rather like gems on a bed
All these are easily found
Caught in that glare, shining red
Keep your face to the ground
Stopping that dream in your head
Every stake that we play,
even-money, it seems,
Ready backing of schemes
if we just know the way,
like a world that redeems
your last play for today.
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
this could
have been a competent piece Keith. I am sorry you've come a bit late. I especially like the first two stanzas. I think the wording in the third stanza could flow better with some tweaks, but it could be only me.
Thanks for sharing.
Keith Logan
9 years 3 months ago
Your advice
Taken and acted upon. Thank you. I might hopefully have done a little better if the poem were not scambled together in an hour or so. I wasn't sure which part of the 31st mattered.
Keith Logan
9 years 3 months ago
Does this read any better?
Every stake that we play,
even-money, it seems,
Ready backing of schemes
if we just know the way,
like a world that redeems
your last play for today.
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
Yes, much better I believe
Every stake that we play,
even money, it seems, [is] (maybe?)
Ready backing of schemes
if we just know the way,
like a world that redeems
your last play for today
weirdelf
9 years 3 months ago
My goodness gracious me!
You are a powerful word-crafter, Keith.
The highest praise, and it is extremely rare, that can be given to any acrostic poem is that it works as a poem even if you don't know or recognise that it is acrostic. This does.
I could offer some tweaking but frankly, if it were mine, I would leave it alone as an accomplishment.
Keith Logan
9 years 3 months ago
weirdelf
Feel under no compulsion either way but if you wish to offer tweeking suggestions, feel free to do so. I don't say I will necessarily follow them but be assured, they will be considered. I am here for an interchange of encouragement.
Eduardo Cruz
9 years 3 months ago
Keith,
Very good write, this line read will at a second glance.
But stumble on it with my eyes when first read it.
it seem different then the rest of the lines as if it were the defining line.
It seems to need something to me a better play of the same words
"Ready backing of schemes"
"Readily"
Very good write truly enjoyed the ride!
Eddie C.
Keith Logan
9 years 2 months ago
I can see how it's not ideal
but I simply can't see how to improve it without adversely effecting the rhythm.