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Nov 17, 2024
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In times of War!
Israelis and Plalestinians
invest in intrusions.
Firing their missiles,
with rockets red glow.
Indigent people
run quickly for cover.
Filling the land of
blood ridden Gaza,
down to the waters edge
the incident grows.
Hiding in fields,
they flee with their loved ones!
No one is certain,
which way things will go.
On with the bombings
the recurring pestulance
reaches a climax
from which we all know.
Will only convince them
to continue the slaughter.
No one is willing to
stop the coarse onslaught.
Eventually women
and children will die!
Taken aback we
stand in amazement.
Will all their exertions
come to conclusions.
Given the circumstance
God only knows!.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Somewhere, someday there must be a conclusion to all the kiling, confusion and such. Can we or will we cease this destrucion. I think not. God only knows.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
7 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem uses vivid imagery and strong language to depict the harsh realities of war, focusing on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The use of words like "intrusions," "missiles," "blood ridden Gaza," and "bombings" effectively conveys the violence and chaos inherent in such conflicts.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme. For instance, the lines "Filling the land of / blood ridden Gaza" and "down to the waters edge / the incident grows" do not have a clear rhythm or rhyme. Experimenting with syllable count and rhyme could enhance the poem's musicality and make it more engaging to read.
The poem also tends to tell rather than show, particularly in lines like "No one is willing to / stop the coarse onslaught" and "Eventually women / and children will die!" While these lines convey important messages, they could be more powerful if they were shown through specific, concrete images or scenes.
Lastly, the poem's perspective could be clarified. It's not clear whether the speaker is a neutral observer, a participant in the conflict, or someone else. Clarifying the speaker's perspective could make the poem more emotionally resonant and give readers a clearer sense of who is telling this story and why.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
7 months 3 weeks ago
In Times of War
Hello, Leslie,
You've described the conflict well. There is no making sense of something that is senseless.
Thank you,
L
Candlewitch
7 months 3 weeks ago
Dear John,
I could not say it any better than you have! Well done!
hugs, Cat xxx
Leslie
7 months 3 weeks ago
In times of War!
I've been very stressed out, but thank you for your comments. Thank you very much! John!
Rula
7 months 3 weeks ago
Hello Leslie
Thank you for capturing an awful scene of this war.
It's been long, and ugly and seems to be endless.
However, (though I'm not sure which part you're taking), you have to know that the palestinians are defending their land until restoring it. There is no humanity whatsoever in what Israel is doing, but lots of humiliation.
I think there is no more compromisation this time, not after all the casualties who martyred in defense of the holy lands.
Just my (pov)
Thank you for sharing.
Leslie
7 months 3 weeks ago
Rula
I do not take sides. I just think its all crazy. I'll send you a pm of a dream I once had. It will show you how crazy it may get very shortly.