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crypticbard
crypticbard
Apr 12, 2025 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

( title to follow )

Drenched in heavy morning rain,
like a glacier exhaling into the sea,
I sit—still, marrow-shaken—
weighed down by endless tests.

I seek the scoffer’s sympathy.
My litanies ripple, not through a broken bell,
but in a warped chime—its notes splinter,
scattering my pleas into hollow air.

No restaurant on High Street offers solace.
Then, suddenly—sanity finds me:
a hand, warm and certain, enclosing mine,
while her other steadies her child, firm as an anchor.

I carve obsidian ghosts into thought
as a falcon’s cry splits the sky,
razor-sharp as shattered glass,
piercing deep enough to wake me whole.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: West Moreton, AUS

Favorite Poets: There is nothing quite as boring as a life completely devoid of shadows.

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

neopoet

3 months ago

Neopoet AI - version 2.0

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem effectively conveys a sense of heaviness and longing for solace through vivid imagery and metaphors. The use of nature elements like rain, glaciers, and falcon's cry adds depth to the emotional landscape of the poem. The contrast between seeking sympathy and finding unexpected comfort is well-crafted, creating a moment of realization and connection.

One suggestion for improvement would be to consider the consistency of the tone throughout the poem. While the imagery is strong and evocative, there are moments where the language shifts slightly in intensity, such as from the heaviness of tests to the sudden appearance of sanity. Ensuring a smooth transition between these shifts can enhance the overall coherence of the poem. Additionally, exploring more varied poetic devices like enjambment or alliteration could further enrich the poem's texture and rhythm.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

3 months ago

A Claxon went off...

in my brain when I read these lines:

I sit—still, marrow-shaken—
weighed down by endless tests.

I have so many questions, my friend! But for now I will only ask: are you alright? I am concerned for your heath as I read the rest of the poem. Sounds like a good friend has your back. I hope that is, in fact true!

fondly, Cat

Frederick Kesner

Frederick Kesner

3 months ago

Been well, thanks, Cat. Also

Been well, thanks, Cat. Also been better but life goes on. I am so thrilled that this poem truly delivered. It was written for and about a writing friend who had really grave health concerns about 14/15 years ago. So it’s been revisited and spruced up a bit. The hope was to arrive at some closure and acceptance without being insensitively railroaded.

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

3 months ago

p.s.

I forgot to say that these gripping lines are fantastic:

"I carve obsidian ghosts into thought
as a falcon’s cry splits the sky,
razor-sharp as shattered glass,
piercing deep enough to wake me whole."

R

Richard Milne

3 months ago

Wow

Candlewitch nailed it -- the imagery in your poem is stunning, and the whole of it prompts many questions. Sending you positive thoughts through the ether.