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May 20, 2025
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Together...
Across from sisters, watching the mom in us.
My ears having their own conversation with them,
their voices entangled, it doesn't matter.
But tinnitus sucks...
Davey, more grey than me, put on a bit of weight,
works sixty hours driving truck; weekends off.
How I love being close to them.
Wish I still drove...
Brother-in-law Victor leans on my shoulder,
speaking loudly to my good ear;
Happy Birthday Bro!
He makes Steph happy...
Thanks man, you guys made it a good one.
Just the three of us of two generations apart,
but so differently the same.
Mom was proud of us...
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is the result of a couple of days thinking back on the event.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
1 month ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Consider clarifying the relationships and interactions within the poem to enhance reader comprehension. The phrase "watching the mom in us" is intriguing but somewhat ambiguous; consider expanding slightly to clarify its meaning or emotional significance. The line "my ears having their own conversation with them" is vivid, yet could benefit from additional context or imagery to ground the reader more clearly in the scene. The transition from describing Davey to mentioning Victor feels slightly abrupt; consider adding a smoother transition or a connecting detail to maintain narrative cohesion. Additionally, the phrase "so differently the same" is thought-provoking but somewhat vague; consider elaborating briefly on how the differences and similarities manifest, to strengthen the emotional resonance of the conclusion.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
kowque
1 month ago
This is so touching
I loved the use of real names.
I wish I was a part of your family too.
Lavender
1 month ago
Together...
Hello, Geezer!
Happy Birthday! Isn't it wonderful how special aging with siblings and family becomes. There is a bond that shares every memory of every year before. I love that final line. It sounds like a grand time!
Thank you!
L
Geezer
1 month ago
Yes...
it does get better with age. Not many people and certainly not all of the family, but there were the three of us who celebrate our birthdays together; my spouse Wendy, Steph's Victor, sister Sheila's George, David and his wife Kim, and my two nephews who were just in and out. [You know, grab some food and get out before the old folks start picking on you]. A couple of dogs, and a motor being put in a truck. I added a couple of lines to give a little more context to the reader not understanding a few of the lines that the AI pointed out, what do you think of them? ~ Geez.
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Lavender
1 month ago
Aw...
...nice touch! I liked it before, but those lines do add a lot of personal character!
L
Geezer
1 month ago
I was...
afraid that I might have ruined the mood of it, but glad to know that I made it better for some. Thanks for the feedback. ~ Geez.
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Lavender
1 month ago
I think
it gave the reader an even greater appreciation for the strong foundation of the relationships, and how much the get-together meant to you (and everyone).
L
Geezer
1 month ago
There are...
three of us that have birthdays in May: my sister Stephanie, myself, and brother David. After me, comes my sister Sheila, and then Kathy [or Kay] as she likes to be called. Then there are the five younger siblings, Scott [deceased] David, Stephanie, Stacey, and Sonia. [My mother's 2nd husband]. Even though we don't get together as often as I would like, we still do. I am pleased that you would want to part of my family Koki.
~ Geez.
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