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Jun 07, 2011
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Tooth and Claw
I will liberate you from yourself
salvage the wreckage of your soul.
I will claim what is left of your lifeless hulk
and place it upon the alter of safety
I will bear arms against the wolves at the door,
and cradle you in my loving arms.
keep you from the ghouls and demons
of your tortured past.
Fight tooth and claw, redeem your tattered
dreams and soothe you once more.
wrap you in my tender love,
repel those who would scale the walls, of our fortress.
Would go to war against the most nefarious foe,
battle a legion,
To be with you again.
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
lou
14 years 1 month ago
Lonnie
Thank you
Lou
lou
14 years 1 month ago
Theo
First of all let me ask why do you wish to know?
If you seriously wish to know the answer, I love poetry,but does anyone really want to be in pain, on the other hand i don't want to write about bunnies LOL !!!
I have answered the question simply because I was interested in pondering the answer, but really you are supposed to critique my poem.
Lou
lou
14 years 1 month ago
Rosina
Sounds good, but it takes away the rawness of the poem and that I feel is an integral part of it. Thank you for your suggestions.
Love Lou
Candlewitch
14 years 1 month ago
Dear Lou,
If you were going for a raw and brutal tone running through your poem; you have succeeded! It works very well.
one suggestion: in this line; "and place it in a place of safety."(how about) place you in a position of safety, or something like it? Just a suggestion.
love, Cat
lou
14 years 1 month ago
Cat
Thanks i'll change that, you're right it does not sound quite right.
love lou
Geezer
14 years 1 month ago
This a different
kind of brutality from your usual stuff. I liked it very much, but had trouble reconciling the 3d and 4th lines in the first verse. How about, "I will claim what is left of your lifeless hulk"
"and place it upon the altar of safety"
Just a suggestion. Love ya,~ Gee
lou
14 years 1 month ago
Gee
That siunds much better
Love Lou
Pamela A. Lamppa
14 years 1 month ago
If you show me, I will understand
It is certainly clear what you will do to be with this individual again.
When I read a poem, I want to be able to take something from it that is for me and me alone whether that be a moment, a feeling, or even a situation. I want to identify with it on a one to one level. We only have a short period of time to express the intensity of emotion in a poem – so emotion, imagery, metaphor and brevity are key.
Technical:
“reckage” should be “wreckage”
Punctuation in this needs a lot of work. Stanzas three and four are continuations of the previous stanzas and are phrases as written.
In this verse you have listed everything you will do. But I don’t know why. I understand that you love this person, but I want to know why so that I can feel like I might be that powerful too some day. What makes this individual so special that one would go to the ends of the earth to protect him/her?
There is so much power in this piece, but I want the why. Show me, don’t tell me what you would do. If you show me, I will understand it and I will feel it inside.
~Pamela
lou
14 years 1 month ago
Xena and pam
Thanks
Lou