Tracks... (rondelay)

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The imagery of freshly fallen snow as a metaphor for temptation and addiction is clear and evocative. The repetition inherent in the rondelay form reinforces the cyclical nature of the described experience, effectively mirroring the poem's thematic exploration of addiction or compulsion.

However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from greater specificity and clarity. For instance, the phrase "puncture kisses" is intriguing but somewhat ambiguous. Clarifying or expanding slightly on this metaphor might strengthen the reader's understanding of the intended emotional or sensory experience. Additionally, the transition from the snow imagery to the "bed of soft smooth skin" could be made smoother or more explicit to enhance coherence and reinforce the metaphorical connection between the two images.

The poem's repetition, while central to the rondelay form, risks redundancy if not carefully managed. Consider varying slightly the wording or imagery in the repeated sections to maintain reader engagement and deepen thematic resonance.

Overall, the poem demonstrates thoughtful use of metaphor and form, but would benefit from greater clarity and careful management of repetition to fully realize its thematic potential.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Hi Candle. I enjoyed your poem, that looping softness suits the subject as the repetition moves the reader into the darkness. It reminded me that structure can haunt while it holds. Great job with a not so easy format. Ruby xx

I remember this form; anyway, I love this one for sure; you did a great job. I love the inuendo, the subtle hints of danger, the reality of leaving tracks... Big grin on this face. ~ Geez.
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A very good job dear Candle
Really good for a form that I would never call it easy.
I am tempted to try though I'm a blank page these days.!
A winner indeed.
Thank you for sharing!

It’s like tracking the trajectory of feeling and endless circles of intent, the snow, the skin, the silent ache, all returned to where it first began and originated.

Sorry that I haven't responed lately my laptop died on me. I thought that your poem was beautiful and I missed reading your poetry. I would never make a critique, but I loved the poem nonetheless!

Your poem, "Tracks," is a Roundelay, a form known for its repetition. What makes it work?

The poem uses the metaphor of "freshly fallen snow" to represent a kind of untouched purity or perhaps a forbidden allure. The snow has a "cunning attraction," hinting at something enticing but also potentially deceptive. The setting in a "barren field" adds to the sense of isolation and perhaps a secret encounter. Certainly familiar to this old guy lol

The act of "caress[ing] / the virgin surface" and "forging / a personal trail of tracks" beautifully captures the idea of intimacy and the lasting impression it leaves. The word "virgin" adds a layer of delicacy and perhaps a sense of transgression.

Then, the poem shifts to describe a more explicitly sensual encounter: "She found an addiction / for the sharp / quick touch / of puncture kisses / on a bed / of soft smooth skin." This part of the poem is very evocative, using words like "addiction," "sharp," and "puncture" to create a sense of intensity and perhaps a hint of danger or pain mixed with pleasure. The imagery of "puncture kisses" is particularly striking and memorable.

The repetition of the first stanza, characteristic of the Roundelay form, reinforces the cyclical nature of desire and the way these experiences can repeat themselves. The final line, "On and on it goes," further emphasizes this sense of endless repetition, suggesting that this desire or "addiction" is ongoing.

Here are some of how I see strengths of the poem:

Evocative Imagery: The poem creates strong sensory images, from the pristine snow to the "sharp" kisses on skin. To me imagary is everything!

Metaphorical Language: The extended metaphor of the snow and tracks is effective in representing intimacy and its consequences.

Use of Form: The Roundelay form with its repetition works well to convey the cyclical nature of the themes in the poem.

Sensuality: The poem explores sensuality in a way that is both delicate and intense.

Overall, "Tracks" is a well-crafted poem that uses the Roundelay form to explore themes of desire, intimacy, and the marks we leave on each other. The imagery is evocative, and the language is both sensual and suggestive. A perfect poem Cat!
Mark
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I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. Expert handling of the form. A well-deserved win!

You will probably win every time! Amazing work.

I loved the spacing. It made every line hit hard.

This also made me think of the sharp feeling you get when you touch ice or you drink a slushie at the movies too fast and you get brain freeze.

I'm such a fan!!!!

Forgive me if I misconstrue your meaning but it's natural yet anthropomorphic a beautiful woman yearning to me touch in the arts of eros yet mother earth herself. The repeating lines give it strength. Also kudos for you putting that soulless robot response in its place. I love freshly fallen snow which as I say feels like the double image of the obvs natural image and the physical elements of the female body. Also and forgive again if I have you completely wrong but there is a sense of acceptance of the nature of death. Acceptance and the kind reflection of the life to come. I'd love to know your personal feeling and reason why you penned this soulful poem I'm unfamiliar with the format of a roundelay I must research