Geezer

Jan 28, 2023 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Treasure Map...

Shivers breeze and then away
pearls strung out for eyes
Too late, the hesitation now
tracing flames down velvet thighs

She feels the fire licked feathers
stroke her lovely skin
The scent of love lies snugly
in the bed within

Spilled treasure glistens wetly
a map of jewels is found
but pleasure will not wait here
for love to come around

The trail of tears follows them
as realization hits
A moment's indiscretion
has torn a friendship all to bits

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Thanks for the suggestion of [chambers], Stan. ~ Geez.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York State - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

scribbler

2 years 5 months ago

Hmmmm.....

"tunnels of her nose".....somehow doesn't seem to fit. Maybe chambers instead?

Geezer

2 years 5 months ago

Thank you...

Scribbler, I was on the fence about that line. I thought I should wait to see what remarks and comments I got, before messing with that one. Thanks for the suggestion of [chambers]. ~ Geez.
.

RoseBlack

2 years 5 months ago

This seems familiar

I like the imagery and emotion. Well done.

Geezer

2 years 5 months ago

I got the idea...

from Seren, from something she wrote, and I had it half-made up before I actually wrote it down.
Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

2 years 5 months ago

hello Geezer,

instead of tunnels, maybe nostrils? or breath ways? the rest of the imagery is great. no other suggestions.

*hugs, Cat

Geezer

2 years 5 months ago

Yeah...

Scribbler suggested [chambers] and I went with that, as it had the closest meaning. Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Geez.
.

Triskelion

2 years 5 months ago

Nose...

..drop it altogether and rewrite the line it with another word that rhymes. Nose doesn't fit in that poem at all.

Thomas

Geezer

2 years 5 months ago

I took...

your suggestion to rewrite that line and did a little more, by switching stanzas around too. I think it is much better now. ~ Geez.
.

Triskelion

2 years 5 months ago

Wow

..that opening line is a real grabber now! I think you are right, moving the stanzas around was a solid move.

Thomas

Geezer

2 years 5 months ago

Thank you...

I saw that after you showed me where it was wrong. ~ Geez.
.

Lavender

2 years 5 months ago

Treasure Map

Wow! Really love the revision! This went from a little sensual to "Whoa Nelly!" And then the ending --almost makes me cry.
L

Geezer

2 years 5 months ago

Thank you...

It only goes to show, a little critique can make a piece better. Thank you all!
~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

2 years 5 months ago

hey Geezer...

it is much more solid now...I like it too! (eddy styx)

I agree, *hugs, Cat

Geezer

2 years 5 months ago

Thank you both...

I think that it is much better now, that the intent is clear. ~ Geez.
.

Seren

2 years 5 months ago

Dearest Bro

Is this inspired by something else maybe? Lol well I am off for a shower. Seems the humidity just went through the roof here phew.

This is beautifully and tastefully done.

Bravo

Love & Higgliest bugs Sis xox

Geezer

2 years 5 months ago

Ummmm...

could be. Thanks to all the great feedback I got, it turned out better than I imagined? LoL
Thanks Sis, love and higgest bugs, Bro.
.