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Rhiannon1010
Rhiannon1010
Nov 14, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the workshop:

Critique Quickie

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Trees

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

By Joyce Kilmer.

Rhiannon's rewrite:

If there is anyone as beautiful as a tree,
pleas step forward.

What? None? I thought not,
for how can a soft and weak thing
such as you
compare to the strong and silent
pulchritude
of Callicarpa nudiflora
full in bloom?
The Beauty bush, that is its name,
and its truth.
A tree that gives as it recieves
from the Earth,
while all we do is take and take.
We don't give.
Evolution or creation?
I don't care
who made the tree, but I am glad
that they did.
So I'll say again,

if there is anyone as beautiful as a tree,
pleas step forward.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: North Carolina, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Alfred Noyes, T. S. Eliot, Lewis Carroll, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, William Wordsworth, William Blake, Seamus Heaney, Robert Herrick

More from this author

Comments

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

13 years 7 months ago

Hello,

Nice choice! thanks for the read.

always, Cat

wesley snow

wesley snow

13 years 7 months ago

My thoughts.

"I think that I shall never see
a billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all."
Nash

Ah, another WW1 vet. I have read that Kilmer's critics thought him too sentimental and simplistic, but I love this thing. I fear I'm going to get an "F" for this exercise as I can't find anything wrong with the poem.
EXCEPT...
He capitalized the first letter of each frippin' line! This is giving me way too much grief. I'm going to go take some more anti depressants.
wesley

Geezer

Geezer

13 years 7 months ago

Damn! I think...

that Kilmer was a tree-hugger! Give me an F too! The poem had good rhyme and meter. ~ Gee

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 7 months ago

First crit

All single rhyming couplets and a strict sing-songy meter, has a tendency to trivialise it, hence the Nash. it gives it a trite feel, that lends itself to parody.

Content-wise,
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

Bullshit, we create, if not trees. And god doesn't do it, evolution did.

Do you think you could edit it, a big job, to give a freeform rhyming scheme or drop the rhyme altogether? perhaps loosen up the meter too. It doesn't need to be strict, it just needs to flow.altogether.

Rhiannon1010

Rhiannon1010

13 years 7 months ago

No problem.

I beleive that there are two types of poetry structure, neat ( aka strict and cookie cutter form fitting) and sloppy (loose meter, free form rhyme scheme. Keep in mind, sloppy does not always men bad.). Ifeel that I am best a the sloppy poetry, though I often tryto apply a basic form to my poetry. So have no fear, I will deal with the meter and rhymes.

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 7 months ago

The only reason you get an "F", my dear,

is for failing to notice my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. Although Rhiannon and I have had discussion on the nature of god.

I might just give you a B- for failing to acknowledge how the structure trivialised the form, yet that could be a matter of opinion.

with respect and

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 7 months ago

It's not just a dig, Rosi,

remember I suggested that we crit not just the form of each poem but its basic assumptions. My comment was quite valid. I don't 'sneak' things in, anymore than the assumption that god created trees.

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

13 years 7 months ago

Wrong thread lol

With all these good post and comment here I easily make the same mistake some .
I agree with you rewrite and will using your suggesting.

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

13 years 7 months ago

Rhea

i love the choice of poem you post. I really enjoyed it and agree trees are made by God. I think evolution is dislusional. I watch many etv shows On evolution lately and see no way for evolution to be factual. I debate not religion just my brief.

I can't find anything I want to changed

Rhiannon1010

Rhiannon1010

13 years 7 months ago

Jess and Xena...

Thank you both for the detaild comments and critique. I have to agree with Jess as far as the whole God topic goes. He has in fact givin me some helpful advice on tje subject. Much appriciated by the way.

Bonitaj

Bonitaj

13 years 7 months ago

Rhiannon!

This poem certainly takes me back... to where exactly I can't remember, but correct me if I'm wrong... someone actually made a song out of it.
I tend to agree with Jess that the sheer simplicity of the meter, and the rhyming couplets, are too 'cutesy' and water down the message, at least for me!
Nice reminder to go out and hug a tree though!
Thanks for posting!

wesley snow

wesley snow

13 years 7 months ago

This is definitely a RE-write.

Not being a "free verser" myself, I miss the rhyme in your version. Beside being a good piece in and of itself, it seems to be almost a polar opposite of the original. There is a fair amount of... animosity?... in your version whereas the original is sentimental to a fault.
It's also exciting to see a poet use "pulchritude" in a poem correctly.
Vocabulary Junkie, wesley

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 7 months ago

N.B. Please post your edit/

N.B. Please post your edit/ re-write as a poem straight after the original in the same box, so we can compare them directly. Do not post as a comment on the thread or on a separate page. Click edit and paste your work in directly after the original poem.

In other words both poems, the original and the edit/rewrite should appear in the post. Sorry if I was unclear

K

Kailashana2

13 years 7 months ago

I'm a second-generation tree

I'm a second-generation tree hugger, literally. (Didn't know either set of my grandparents.) So the original poem's content always struck a chord with me.

I like your cheeky version.

Me, I like to think of God as an unknown unknown and evolution as its vehicle of creation and its ongoing perfection of creation. Though, at this juncture, mankind is probably not its best work.

~A

Bonitaj

Bonitaj

13 years 7 months ago

Just spotted

your re-write and yes... It is pulchritudinous! ;) old Latin scholars love that word. That was how we learned to do a feminine declentions in the 8th grade!
But seriously, I found the fun in your cheeky, assertive manner of asking one of greater beauty to step forward! Of note, is how you picture the creator as THE GODS... I.e. "they did" neither feminine or masculine.
Interesting take!
cheers

Rhiannon1010

Rhiannon1010

13 years 7 months ago

I am a very assertive person

and I believe that the creator is unisex but manafests as whatever gender a specific persn can identify best with. I aline myself with the Goddess.

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

13 years 7 months ago

Nice rewrite

i like your rewrite. Your version a bit different. The original gives us the sentiment of nature's creation of a tree and tpits beauty. Whereas I see the human aspect
Such as thes verses
What? None? I thought not,
for how can a soft and weak thing
such as you
compare to the strong and silent
pulchritude
of Callicarpa nudiflora
full in bloom?
The Beauty bush, that is its name,

I see animosity for some one in these verses
Compare to the original where as someone above say sentimental chords I find warming

Nice rewrite showing you take