Triolet - Midnight

Twas on a winter midnight that was sensed
a dark phantasmal world of pretence,
my broken heart is still unrecompensed.
Twas on a winter midnight that was sensed
the world we held as true was now incensed
there are no unchanging laws to make defence.
Twas on a winter midnight that was sensed
a dark phantasmal world of pretence.

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: United Kingdom (Scotland), GBR

Favorite Poets: Robert Burns, Robert Lewis Stevenson, Kipling., I like things childish.

Comments

Rula

9 years 2 months ago

Hello Mr. Logan

You've successfully created here a kind of "scary mood" , you know the choice of the title, Midnight together with phantasmal world, etc... (not my cup of tea :) ) but I enjoyed the read but left want more. I thought you might like to add another triolet for one or two more details, but this is only my humble opinion.

PS. rhyme scheme of your triolet doesn't follow the ABaAabAB. which is the triolet's rhyme scheme unless I am missing something. I already enjoyed, just thought I'd bring it to your attention if you're not already aware of it.

Keith Logan

9 years 2 months ago

Well, I hope this time

I have found the correct instructions to write to.
My first idea was try again with a totally new write.
Then I thought why not fix what I already have?

Rula

9 years 2 months ago

Yes!

good edits Mr. Logan. I see the whole poem benefits from the edits.
Don't forget to do the edits for the original submission and choose the name of the contest from the window drop.
Wish you the best.

Keith Logan

9 years 2 months ago

This form

draws too much attention to itself for my liking. The would be author is left with only two real choices, childlike or sinister (maybe love/lust might work at a stretch). I'm inclined to leave it, now that it is probably as good as I can manage.