Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Sep 26, 2012
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Trochee
Once a time and long ago
breathed a man who lived for show.
Cheap illusion pragmatic~
credo, maxim, catholic.
All he held as true was hid.
Self decepted invalid,
callous liar, thespian,
false his gaze, untrue mien~
truly though he fostered love.
Not due faith in stars above,
fearing flames unseen below.
Love unearned he did not sow
inexplicably was grant.
Seldom do the seeds we plant
generate such honest weal.
If our lies are what we feel,
sooth is best o’erlooked ‘twould seem~
life lived best, perhaps, as dream.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Nothing special here. Just trying to get back in the groove of writing SOMETHING. Trochee is getting easier, though I still prefer iambic.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
wesley snow
12 years 9 months ago
Catalectic.
This would be trochaic tetrameter (four feet), but "catalectic". Meaning each line comes up short part of a foot.
I know what you mean by the line's logic. It's there if you read EXACTLY, but it doesn't come easy. Trochee is hard for me because it makes the use of articles, rejoinders and the like hard. I'll still keep trying for education's sake, but I don't like it.
He did not sow the love that he was given even though it would have been unearned, undeserved, yet somehow it was given nonetheless.
This is why I don't mess with dactyl either.
Don't forget canto six. I am absolutely dying to hear what you think.
Thank you for looking at whatever I throw out. It isn't much these days, but the attention is appreciated.
wesley
Rula
12 years 9 months ago
Welcome back Sir!
Hard to believe that it is "Nothing Special" as it displays pretty well some doubts and hidden emotions-at least as far as I see it.
And I believe too that this piece deserves a prettier title especially that it comes after a few barren months but I won't suggest as I feel titles so personal.
Thanks for your presence
Always happy to read you
weirdelf
12 years 9 months ago
There is something naive about your self-denigration.
This works well both stylistically and meaningfully.
Do you feel less because to don't have a bit of paper that says "degree"? You shouldn't. Your talent and self education have taken you are lot further than several PhDs I could name.
Trochee is tricky and works best to suit content. Google examples of Trochee and you will see what I mean.
loved
12 years 9 months ago
what a par excellent comment.... coming from true Jess,
you come like snow ,stay
then melt away
then once in a way
you again pass by my tray
as just snow
prechill,
if at all
you will....
loved
12 years 9 months ago
what a par excellent comment.... coming from true Jess,
you come like snow ,stay
then melt away
then once in a way
you again pass by my tray
as just snow
prechill,
if at all
you will....
wesley snow
12 years 9 months ago
Yeah,
trochee is usually reserved for slightly humorous, but I just let this one write itself so blame the pen.
wesley
weirdelf
12 years 9 months ago
With pomp and ceremony
I award your pen a high degree in poetry.
Rula
12 years 8 months ago
Coming back to re-read
and again enjoyed as if read for the first time. Do you think if you break it into couplets make an easier read?
I am asking to learn not a critique.:)
wesley snow
12 years 7 months ago
Rula,
what about something like this?
And... by the way... you had best be here for critique or I haven't taught you anything.
We learn best when we teach.
That goes for you too.
wesley
Rula
12 years 7 months ago
I love it!
and I am happy I read it right even before the breaks but I was not sure because I thought it reads as couplets because it rhymes that way. Happy to see that my suggestion works well .
Thanks for the trust. :)