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TURN AWAY (1)
The world sits on its thought, naked,
And tomorrow is a festival show of shame,
I smell salt dancing on my nostrils as
Flesh and bones dangle from the tender of my strength.
The people here are not jovial,
They dance slowly, beating away hands from their heads.
Drums and cymbals are silent as there's no rain to clap their buttocks,
The universe is mad, and there's no bride to live his happiness.
There's an exit staring through the walkway, crawling for salvation,
May there be no apology when his large mouth swallows many like me.
The other side of life is forlorn,
Wondering why nothing good is coming from Nazareth.
I envisage a dream only my mind can carry,
But she has become a flower only tears can bloom.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
4 months ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
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Lavender
4 months ago
Turn Away (1)
Hello, Sheddie,
Very pensive language, a melancholy feeling throughout. I am eager to learn more about this to appreciate fully, and will return after your response.
Thank you!
L
Sheddie
4 months ago
Thank you ❤️
Thank you for taking time to read through Lavender. The poem is a sober reflection on the difficulties and complexities of life. How people wish their dreams come true but get different results.
Lavender
4 months ago
Hello, Sheddie,
Yes, I see that. What a remarkable final line. Very empathetic, the feeling of knowing true sorrow.
Thank you,
L