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Dec 21, 2024
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Twenty
What a great number this is
And what a great day it was
That deep sob
That came from deep inside me
I came there
To clear my head
And I did
I heard the words
Almost
Although I was surprised
And didn't really notice
Or even understand
But how good it felt!
I still feel it
Even more today
And every day
It was the sob
That stopped me from
The poison in my mind
I erased it
I replaced it
Because I am enough
And from that day on
I became a winner
That gigantic, seismic sob
That could be heard
On the other side of the world
That's how loud it was
It created a tsunami
A volcanic eruption
In my mind
And so loud was it
That others could hear it
It was magic
It felt so good
To let it out
And to take the leap of faith
And understand that I would make it
And take it
That my life would improve
That things would get better
And that I am alive and living
About This Poem
Last Few Words: As I entered this poem on Neopoet, I edited some lines and words from it. This is the first time I have attempted to explain what I went through on that day, and how those tears produced from that session with Bruce made me feel so good, and that word is quite inadequate. It was a breakthrough for me that I will not easily forget. I am now quite deep in reading more philosophy books and seeking out what has obviously worked for me so well. I am planning to expose myself more about this episode in my life in a poetry open mic. I am ready to do this. The poem I entered today was the first step in that process.
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
6 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Twenty" demonstrates a strong exploration of personal growth and self-discovery. It uses vivid imagery and metaphors to convey a sense of catharsis, such as the "gigantic, seismic sob" and the "tsunami" and "volcanic eruption" in the mind. These serve to highlight the intensity of the speaker's emotional release and transformation.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of poetic devices and a more structured rhythm to enhance its overall impact. For instance, the use of rhyme, alliteration, or assonance could add a layer of musicality to the piece.
The narrative could also be more tightly woven. The poem starts with a reference to the number twenty and a "great day," but these elements are not clearly connected to the rest of the poem. Developing these initial ideas further could provide a more cohesive narrative thread.
The poem's message of self-empowerment and resilience is clear and effectively communicated, particularly in the lines "Because I am enough" and "I became a winner." However, these statements could be shown rather than told to the reader for a more powerful effect. Using more concrete imagery or specific examples could help to illustrate these abstract concepts.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the speaker's emotional journey. While the poem does a good job of conveying the speaker's transformation, it could delve deeper into the emotions and experiences that led to this change. This could add depth and complexity to the poem, making it more engaging and relatable for the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
kowque
6 months 3 weeks ago
The way this read
Slow,but impactful
The way the poison you describe feels
Thank you for this piece