themoonman

Apr 12, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

In the Twilight

There was a time when I could sing.
Hold a note to the mailbox and back,
then breathe.
There was a time when I could write.
Not just words,
but explosions of emotion carried out through
a hand of passion.
There was a time when I was a Mom,
someone who's very day shone from the sons,
only I could give birth to.
There was a time when I was a daughter.
A balance of pride and joy from a father
who seemed happy to have me around.

Still the same-
yet different.
Aged and withered with time,
and far too many disappointments.
Those lost days trickling through the hourglass
are gaining enthusiasm now.at the end....
and in the twilight
I gently sing
struggle to write
have to make appointments with my sons
and cry for the loss of my dad,
there was a time when ...

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This poem was written by my sister (Sally), she wanted to see what some of you might think about it.

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

themoonman

14 years 3 months ago

Thank you Shirley

I'll probably read the responses to her on the phone
tomorrow ... she will love yours.

thank you

themoonman

14 years 3 months ago

Hi Ephraim ...

Glad you liked it sir, I appreciate you reading and responding
and I know she will be ecstatic when I read these comments
to her.

thanks !

themoonman

14 years 3 months ago

Ian ...

thank you my friend, have I ever told you about the
warmness you exude, even on the net it's apparent.

thanks, and give my best to Anne

Richard

themoonman

14 years 3 months ago

Hi Chrys ...

That was my first reaction as well, but I didn't say anything
and I'm glad you did. She made me promise not to change
a word of this poem, so I didn't.

glad to see you here ... hope all is good around ya ~

Richard

themoonman

14 years 3 months ago

HI Chrys ...

She did want the feedback, she just didn't want me to
change anything without her consent, and I agreed, I don't
think I'd like that either. I told her about the cliche and she
agreed, she said it had crossed her mind as well, she wanted
me to thank you for picking up on it.

glad you are ok

Richard

Race_9togo

14 years 3 months ago

Richard

Tell your sister she should become a member, with poetic skills such as these.

themoonman

14 years 3 months ago

Thanks Jim ...

Right now she is computerless ... but she's working
on it and I'm certain that she would like to join.

Richard

scribbler

14 years 3 months ago

Whew!

First of poem had me wondering if you were a transexual lol. I have only one small suggestion:
still the same
yet different...............seems a bit vague , maybe a simpler "and now" isolated by a space above and below? In any case I liked this a great deal and would also encourage her to join up................stan

themoonman

14 years 3 months ago

Lol

When I read her your response she busted out laughing,
not about the critique though ... she said to thank you for
your consideration and she will look at it again.

Thanks Stan

Eduardo Cruz

14 years 3 months ago

Sally

I love the transition of of youth, alder, mother, daughter, happiness and sorrow, thats a lot in one poem. great job.
I say continue to write as a matter of fact join us here at Neopoet. So we could read you more offen. it would be a pleasure.
Eddie C.
PS> thanks Richard for posting this jewel for your sister!

themoonman

14 years 3 months ago

Eddie,

Sally says you are a sweetheart,

thanks man

Richard