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themoonman

Dec 26, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Twisted senses

Her voice was a honeysuckle wind.

I remember the immediate addiction,
knowing how short our time might be,
but when we woke, we were old,
she said "Good morning"
and I felt the fresh smell of spring.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

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Comments

11 years 6 months ago

Hello Richard

Hello Richard
I thought this really tender and the lady meant will surly like it.
Tiny suggestions:
I think you need a comma before but in line 2 and I thought "breeze" is more tender than "wind"
but you know better. It's your little gem.

11 years 6 months ago

Hi Rula,

Glad you dropped in and thank you for your
suggestions, they will certainly be considered
at edit time.

You were right, she did like it.

thanks,

Richard

8 years 7 months ago

wind

is more passionate.

8 years 7 months ago

yes,

besides, it sounds better

11 years 6 months ago

Richard

I hope that for you there will be many more awakenings.
Well written and contains a great tribute to someone special,
Yours Ian.T

11 years 6 months ago

Hi Ian,

Thank you for your comment, it is much
appreciated. Hoping many more mornings
for us all my friend,

thanks again,

Richard

11 years 6 months ago

You really touched this hard old bugger.

In all his twisted senses.

That's what really struck me, the title.

11 years 6 months ago

Jess,

Everyone knows you're soft-hearted, and
we've most of us had our senses twisted a
time or two.

8 years 7 months ago

Seriously man,

this is a little piece of poetic perfection.
Strain as I might I can't think of any way to improve it.

8 years 7 months ago

Hey,

You did see I edited recently,
took some of Pringle's suggestions,
thought it did improve it but only
readers can witness to that.

11 years 6 months ago

Richard

This is a wonderful poem, I love it as is I wouldn't change a thing

touching and tender beautifully written a pleasure to read

hope you and yours had a lovely Christmas

love JC x

p.s one thing ? I wanted more but that's just me being greedy

11 years 6 months ago

Hello Jayne,

We had a good Christmas, and you?

A poem can always be changed, for the
better or worse, this one is still on the work
table.

thanks,
Richard

K

11 years 6 months ago

Outstanding poem, my friend.

Outstanding poem, my friend.

K

11 years 6 months ago

I read Barry this poem. He

I read Barry this poem. He said *nice*...

Nice.

11 years 6 months ago

Hi Anna,

Hoping you and Barry are both doing well,
it has been a while, so good to hear from the
two of you.

11 years 6 months ago

Hello Richard,

I also think this poem is astounding. It's short and sweet yet full of potent images and literary devices. I agree with Rula's suggestion about "wind" being a tad too harsh and that's literally the only thing I could come up with for a suggestion. The title drew me in and the way you connected it to the poem with the last line really resonates with me. It reminds me of synesthesia, but the poem is definitely talking about something much more than a condition of the brain intertwining the senses. Very cool, excellent write!

11 years 6 months ago

Hi swamp,

Thanks for the great review and welcome to the site,
I may just use Rula's word, haven't decided yet.

thanks again,
Richard

S

11 years 6 months ago

Hi Richard

I think this might well be the best of your poems which I've read. Although it's very brief it leaves no ambiguity as to what you want to convey. But to keep you from having to buy new hats from swollen head lol, I'll see if I can suggest Something hmmmm.........hmmmm....... Got something but it's pretty lame : try putting a line space between lines 3 and 4. Told ya it was lame lol. Excellent poem...............stan

11 years 6 months ago

Lol,

Not to worry, the dog ate my ego some years back,
left me with this humble pen that only writes when it
wants to ...

not such a lame suggestion, reads smoother out loud
that way.

billypringle

11 years 6 months ago

Just a little edit to improve immensely...

Her voice was a honeysuckle wind.

I remember (blushing from ) the immediate addiction, ( can one blush froman addiction that is immediate)
knowing how short our time might be
but we woke up (today) (and we were) old. ( when else do you physically wake up ? yesterday ?) two and's etc
she said "Good morning"
and I (heard) the fresh smell of spring. ( this doesn't work at all , it's sensual contradiction is hammy.

Try something else other than heard. Why not stick to the expected?

Jimm

11 years 6 months ago

Hi Jimm,

Your critique is more than appreciated.

"can one blush from an addiction that is
immediate" ... Yes. I could have elected to
spell it all out for the reader, say how embarrassed
I was for showing how much I wanted or needed the
sense twisting attention from a woman I considered
to be way out of my league, but I chose to shorten it
up a bit. I thought it pretty much covered it, you didn't?

Absolutely agree with some changes needed, the
"today" is unneeded and at least one "and" could be
eliminated, what is the etc?

The last line was abstract, meant to enhance the
meaning of the title and show or attempt to show
how the "twisted senses" are still going on. Not sure
what you mean by "hammy", could you elaborate?
and what would the "expected" be?

Thank you again, I believe we should have a reason
for each and every word.

Richard

K

11 years 6 months ago

My take:

My take:

Her voice was honeysuckle wind.

I remember blushing its immediate addiction,
knowing how short our time might be;
when we woke up old,
she said "Good morning"
and I heard the fresh smell of Spring.

.

Love ya.

11 years 3 months ago

Hello ,Richard

Enjoyed your poem it nice to remember or feel of the love one ,i don't really have experience to critic of the poem but like the whole poem.

My best regards

8 years 7 months ago

Hi,

Well thank you for the visit and
the comment ... it is much appreciated.

R

11 years 3 months ago

Hi Richard

It is my good luck that this poem came back into stream, which I had missed out. In such a short verse you have provided a refreshing experience about the essence of love...

Regards,

8 years 7 months ago

Hi raj

Thank you for reading and leaving
your encouraging words.

8 years 7 months ago

Richard

Short, sweet and yet a wonderful tribute. Love it.

Alid

8 years 7 months ago

Hiya Alid,

So much appreciate the visit and
the comment ... one I'd forgotten
about, thanks bunches !!!

8 years 7 months ago

Yep, good revisions

This is what Neopoet is about.

8 years 4 months ago

Hey,

I took some of Pringle's advise,
I think it definitely improved the
flow.

8 years 7 months ago

wind

it is most fitting
its atmosphere to the
poem and it Is the atmosphere
movement..alive!
refreshing!
excellent poem
Like the whole
Rip Van Winkle approach

thank U!

Mr Wolf!

8 years 4 months ago

Mr Wolf,

You are a treasure!!!

8 years 4 months ago

Twisted Senses

very good

8 years 4 months ago

Hello ...

Thank you for reading and commenting,
it is truly appreciated.

7 years 12 months ago

Ahwn

Just how I like it...sweet and succinct