Unbound in the Deep

The rock on which I foundered
has rollen down the hill
to rest upon the Styx dark bank
where the waters yet run still

The coal-shell chain
that cloaked my face
lays shattered in the moss
gathered by my tortured hand
to pay the fare across

The silent sighs that echo
from the endless night below
strap themselves to my shame
as He begins to row

Hooded in a rosewood mist
from crown to rotten sole
he points a leaden finger
toward a swooping, lifeless crow

The silent sighs grow fainter
as light seeps from the shore
I gather up my shame and rope
and tumble overboard

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Country/Region: IRL

Comments

Candlewitch

13 years 7 months ago

Hello elias,

Wow! This is an incredible read! One of my favorite subjects, too. Your rhyning and rhythem are impecable. It flows beautifully from one line to the next. I love dark poetry and try my hand at it occaisonally under the pen name, eddy styx. Your storytelling abilities are fantastic, I would quote you favorite lines, but was blown away by the whole poem!

always, Cat

eliaszizou

13 years 7 months ago

very kind of you Cat, words

very kind of you Cat, words of such appreciation tend to the garden of the soul, much thanks,

wesley snow

13 years 7 months ago

Spectacular.

Cat sent me here (unabashed plug).
I'm sometimes called The Grammar Cop, so I'll slam you with my one and only complaint. "Styx" needs to be possessive. The "x" by itself doesn't do it. Of course that will screw with your meter depending on how one reads it. "Styx's" could be read as a single syllable. Anyway, I had to throw it out. Particularly since it is the only thing about this poem that troubled me.
I take it you were a member before The Fall, which is why you've been here a year with but one poem.
The imagery and pace here is... spectacular. With your permission, I will be keeping a close eye.
wesley

eliaszizou

13 years 7 months ago

Wesley,

profuse thanks for your critique....am something of a disciple of Joyce and circumventing the rules of grammar for the sake of sound.... but observation well noted and if I am honest, something I had not even recognized which makes me somewhat of a dilettante.....yet with the intentional torture of grammar, 'has rollen down the hill', you did not comment, may I deduce that you are somewhat of a grammitcal sadist yourself despite apperanaces?
Thanking you kindly,

wesley snow

13 years 7 months ago

I am indeed a grammatical sadist.

One of the great loves of my life are nonce words. I have twisted words and sentences around until they squealed.
However, I cannot take that sort of credit. I actually missed it. "Rollen". Very bad. Very bad indeed. I am a bad Grammar Cop. I go now to my hair coat.
wesley

eliaszizou

13 years 7 months ago

we all have our fetishes,

we all have our fetishes, better the benign such as grammatical purity than mine for women's garments and candle wax on flesh..

Geezer

13 years 7 months ago

Killer sent me...

He said; "Hey you gotta see this"! There's a guy you gotta invite to Chat on the Darkside. So I came and read;
then I thought; Here's someone who certainly has a dark side! Killer is right, We should invite him to our chat.
I think that it is acceptable to just add an apostrophe to the end of Styx, to make it posessive. I may be wrong, but I think that if the word ends in a s, sh, or z sound you can dispense with the final s, or not. Like so: [Styx'] ~ Geezer

eliaszizou

13 years 7 months ago

Geezer,

thanks for your advice, very kind of you for taking the time, it means a lot. As for the invitation, if only I knew where to go I would solemnly attend, dressed in my inky cloak, wielding words of woe.
pleasure to make your acquaintance my Liege

take care,
Ro