Under A Cloud Cover

Under a cloud cover
no one saw me change
into light cotton whites.

The cloud turned grey
me bright
soon I started dancing
in the rain.

My spirits were lifted
like the cloud
losing my shroud
without regrets
washed in sunshine.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

IRiz

6 years 7 months ago

Haiku is less about the count and more about the content

Interesting poem but i feel it is not really a haiku.
Haiku has an element of antithesis, unexpected twist, juxtaposition of nature and human, objective and subjective.
Plus your lines sound awkward grammatically.
you can write incomplete sentences but yours leave an impression of fragments
First line or better first two lines should not be about you.
You also used to many excessive words, you can say the same with much less
If to refrase your idea in haiku style, it would look something like that

Low clouds
light cotton on the brows
Not tired anymore

Syllabus-count is secondary but if you want you can try to refrase the poem to fit the count again.