Roscoe Lane

Mar 03, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Unfair Vanity

Unfair Vanity……

She waves a bottom
so sinfully nice,
not many men wouldn’t
care to look.
He had a plastic beard
pointing to his chest,
his indifference
points to an arrogance.

Clearly uncomfortable
with each other,
it was not
a happy romance.
She only saw skylines
of his failure,
he was content, had
all he desired.

She feels his suffering,
when thier eyes meet
as she placed her glass
carrying the ruby
outline of pert lips on the table.
The smile in her eyes
were not of pleasure,
she knew this man’s heart.

Why do they remain
together,
only to please
a wickedness.
Then he passes perfectly,
poison so pretentious
to a vanity
painstakingly chosen.
Thus the affair ended,
frozen.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: It happens to be true, or is it....

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Scotland, Ayrshire land of Burns.., GBR

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Roscoe Lane

14 years 4 months ago

This was,

This was my perception of a couple i watched , while i as in a cafe bar in France. They were young , but the way they acted was with indifference to each other. She had i haughty air and he looked laid back, there were obvious signs of them both being unhappy. I was probably wrong but this is where my thoughts finnished. Thank you again Love Roscoe...

weirdelf

14 years 4 months ago

I find the mix of past and present tenses confusing,

I suspect it is intentional. a mixture of what was and what is in the affair, however perhaps if the "you" is also the "he" a more consistent use of past and present tense between them might help?

It is an intriguing piece, perhaps the last two lines are a tad redundant?
Thus ended the affair, frozen.

Roscoe Lane

14 years 4 months ago

You have given,

You have given me some ideas, thank you for your insight Jess. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Lane

14 years 4 months ago

I have made,

I have made a few change and would be grateful, if you would once again give an input. Regards Roscoe..

Kailashana2

14 years 4 months ago

This is really good. The

This is really good. The only question I have is your use of "wickedness", for me it just doesn't fit but I am at a loss for another words that would suffice in its stead, without rewriting the sentence and/or recomposing the thought-frame behind it.

Nicely done. Workshop at its best.

Roscoe Lane

14 years 4 months ago

Thank you,

Thank you I have been working on the ending, and still am. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Lane

14 years 4 months ago

Thank you,

Thank you, it was one of those situations that got me thinking. And this was my take on it, probably a million miles off. He's maybe just spent the mortgage money on a boosy weekend. Thanks again Love Roscoe...

weirdelf

14 years 4 months ago

Good editing,

take the best and leave the rest.

All more coherent.

I think you could upgrade this from rough draft to polished edit.