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Jan 23, 2025
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Unfinished Work
If you were an artwork, what would you be,
a Van Gogh flower, bought by bourgeoisie?
A fictional character on kitchen sink stage,
as a woman wears shift, the Dublin outrage.
Perhaps an engraved print on sheet of copper,
a genie uncorked, from bottle no stopper.
As they pour out truths, spirits will rise,
examine the colours, all artists tell lies.
On flickering screens, where persons do wrong,
phoney performers sing synthetic songs.
The censors proclaim we can’t handle the truth,
so, they feed us more lies to fabricate proof.
We listen intently for morality tale,
in fiction, where every word’s offered for sale.
The practice of artists comes at a price,
each skill delivered in illusory device.
In narrative verses, we toil to reveal,
the chiselled-out truths, their details conceal.
Exposing the shame of excessive consumption,
the audience partakes in diverse assumption.
The artist’s great gift as a means to impart,
through pages or paintings, truth close at heart.
Subjects depicted in a lifetime of words,
artists paint language, their silence is heard.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I think this covers many different forms of art. From writing poetry, fiction, film, TV and painting. I've seen many paintings in Italy, Rome, Naples, and i love the Renaissance artists. But I also enjoy drama in the form of theatre. The Playboy of the Western World, which I refer to in the first stanza, was written by the Irish playwright J M Synge. In the play a female actress appeared in her shift, more commonly known as a slip or under-dress. This was a first in Ireland at that time and was considered lewd. It caused outrage.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
5 months ago
I think...
the title is good and while the meter is ragged, it generally keeps the rhythm going.
Your language use is good, and I didn't have to stop and think about what any of the words meant. Yes, it has always intrigued me that the mores and morals change so quickly and things that were unacceptable just a short while ago,
are now accepted and encouraged. Nice stuff, I do think that you might pull some of the lines tighter, to make them smoother. ~ Geez.
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Ruby Lord
5 months ago
Thanks Geezer for reading and
Thanks Geezer for reading and especially for commenting. Do you have any lines in particular where the meter is ragged and the lines could be tighter please? I value your input. Many thanks Ruby xx
Geezer
5 months ago
I'm going to beg your pardon,
I'm going to beg your pardon, and say that if I were to rework your piece
into the rhythm I would write it in, I suspect that it would change the feel of the poem. I realized after I shot my mouth off, and was about to tackle what I thought were the difficult passages, that the rhythm in your head or anyone else's, might be entirely different.
Example:
If you were art, what would you be,
Van Gogh's Sunflower, for the bourgeoise?
An actress acting upon kitchen stage,
a woman wears shift, Dublin's outrage!
Etchings printed on sheets of copper
a genie in bottle, no cork, no stopper.
I find that as long as the words are integrated smoothly,
you can usually get away with a syllable or maybe two differences.
In any case, I guess that it is a matter of your personal liking.
Meter is important to some people, and others not so much.
I have given you a sample of how you can pare down the lines.
However, there are times when I think it perfectly appropriate
to use an extra syllable or two, like a shout, or retort, to denote excitement,
or a mumble of dismay. I love your story, and I think you have the talent to tell it.
~ Geez.
.
Ruby Lord
5 months ago
Hi Geezer, thank you for your
Hi Geezer, thank you for your thoughtful feedback. I really appreciate your time sharing your ideas and giving me really helpful examples. I know the rhythm can feel different depending on how it’s read, and I’ve made some changes I hope this improves the flow and rhythm?
Your example made me work on how I could tighten the lines while keeping the feeling I’m going for. Thanks again for your kind words and encouragement, it means a lot. Ruby xx
Geezer
5 months ago
It's my pleasure...
I think that you have shown us that a writer may not always use the same methods or ways of reaching the reader.
I know that meter may be used differently by others in different locals. I have noticed that some dialects are more prone to longer lines with fewer pauses, while others may be shorter and more defined. Like I said, each to their own. If I have been a help, that makes me happy. ~ Geez.
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Lavender
5 months ago
Unfinished Work
Hello, Ruby,
So lovely throughout. The last stanza, and especially the final line, is so wonderfully true. Art of all sorts never lies, it just cannot. Even when censored and altered, its honesty flows through. It reveals more to us about ourselves than we confess to know. I'm envious you've seen so much in Italy. What a feeling that must be!
Thank you!
Lx
Ruby Lord
5 months ago
Thank you Lavender for
Thank you Lavender for reading and commenting. I'm glad you thought it lovely. I do like my Italian Renaissance artists, my Irish writers. My favourite painter is Caravaggio, his painting I saw in Florence I wrote a poem about which is on here, https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/beheading-saint-john
The BBC had a programme on their I player. I watched it and it was absolutely marvellous and the statues they were showing, The David in Florence and the Pieta in Rome I have seen them both many times and they are amazing. Here is the link to the BBC programme. I don't know if you'll be able to watch it but if it ever gets shown in America it is worth a watch. Ruby xx :)
https://www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/proginfo/2024/49/renaissance-the-bloo…
Lavender
5 months ago
Thank you, Ruby,
I visited and commented on your poem. It is stunning. How amazing it must have felt to see it in person, along with the other paintings and sculptures you've mentioned. It puts my life in perspective just thinking about them.
Lx
Ruby Lord
5 months ago
Thank you Lavender. I know I
Thank you Lavender. I know I have been extremely lucky to have witnessed such amazing art, culture and had the opportunity to build on my appreciation of religious art. Although I am not of any religious faith, my love for Renaissance art was developed in my childhood in the church. Thank you for commenting, Ruby xx
Ray Miller
5 months ago
Unfinished Work
Hello Ruby. I found this an interesting read, though rather muddled, unfocused. The idea in the opening stanza, to consider ourselves as works of art, is a great one, but the narrative seems to travel a long way from that, or maybe I'm misunderstanding.
Aii artists tell lies - very true. I suppose the best ones are the greatest liars.
Ruby Lord
5 months ago
Hi Ray, thank you for reading
Hi Ray, thank you for reading and commenting. I'm glad I took you on a little journey. I wanted it to be reflective of how society views artists and their art. The best artists are the ones who can tell a lie and get away with it and I like to think this happens every time we look at a painting, read a book or listen to a song. I appreciate your perspective and I know I have a habit of taking a political stance too often. I will try harder to control this. Much appreciated Ruby xx