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Oct 16, 2022
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This poem is part of the challenge:
Neopoet October 2022 Random Challenge The Unfriendly Ghost
The Unfriendly Ghost
Clink! Clank! Clink!
The chains around his waist
Dragging across the attic floor
Heavy footsteps descending
To the house below
I see him in the mirrors
Superimposed in my own reflection
A bloody grin loathing my existence
I hear the chains coming for me
Clink! Clank! Clink!
Every link wrapped around my neck
A memory that he'd like to forget
The only way to set himself free
Is by killing me
Clink! Clank! Clink!
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
2 years 9 months ago
Sounds unfriendly
Murderous specters in chains. About as classic a ghost tale as we can have. Brings to mind Jacob Marley clanking about in Scrooge’s place. It’s almost not free verse. It has a rhythm to it that only breaks two or three times.
“Every link wrapped around my neck
A memory that he'd like to forget”
That’s pretty awesome. When I read that it forces me into a pattern where there are “rests” like music.
“I see his visage in the mirrors
Superimposed on my own reflection”
Maybe try that. Just a suggestion. Might make it more “dressy”. I like superimposed. Let’s face it a haunting of this sort is an imposition. Ah subterfuge. Lol
Good work,
Tim
RoseBlack
2 years 9 months ago
Hi Tim
Thank you for the suggestions. I am going to play with it a bit. He certainly is an unfriendly ghost and a nuisance at that.
Lavender
2 years 8 months ago
The Unfriendly Ghost
Hello, RoseBlack,
The sound and the movement draws the reader into the essence of your poem. I feel the heaviness of "him" getting closer, or perhaps more revealing, from within. I wonder about the line: "The only way to set him free, is by killing me." Are you trying to set him free, or is he trying to set him(self) free?
Thank you!
L
RoseBlack
2 years 8 months ago
Hi Lavender
Glad you enjoyed. He is trying to set himself free. If he wasn't so miserable, I would let him stay.
Geezer
2 years 8 months ago
I guess...
you should look into ways to keep him from coming downstairs, that might frustrate him enough, that he would leave of his own accord. I know, set Kylee on him! LoL This is brutally pointed and menacing, good Halloween material! ~ Geez.
.
RoseBlack
2 years 8 months ago
Hi Geez
Glad you enjoyed! I think Kylee may be the only one to keep him upstairs. I thought it may work for our Halloween themed challenge.