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Sep 14, 2017
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A Universe
All these years later
I still dream of you
A day in the park
Late spring
Under that tree
Hiding from the sun
Half asleep
You
Tracing secrets
In the palm of my hand
Whispering a universe
Of desire
In my ear
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
themoonman
7 years 10 months ago
Well then ...
There is room to make this an
even better poem but this truly has
to be one of your best that I've seen,
thanks for sharing.
Geezer
7 years 10 months ago
The moonman...
is right about this being probably your best yet, but I'm having a bit of trouble in seeing how it could be better. ~ Gee.
.
scribbler
7 years 10 months ago
Hello
There's a thing I call form punctuation (I'm sure the experts call it something else) where judicial use of line spacing can be used to enhance specific parts of a poem. Were I the one who wrote this I'd have used them this way :
All these years later
I still dream of you..
A day in the park
Late spring
Under that tree
Hiding from the sun
Half asleep
You
Tracing secrets
In the palm of my hand
Whispering a universe
Of desire
In my ear
But that's just me and this poem is pretty powerful as is......stan