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Dec 31, 2024
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Unnecessary Delay...
Delayed by crowds of sullen money misers
I push through the crowded stores
I wouldn't care if they all died
while munching on fireplace smores
I do it just because, I guess,
of societal demands.
My wallet is shrinking back from me
and my shaking hands.
I have an office party to get to,
I don't want to be delayed.
Maybe I can snatch a kiss
from under mistletoe, and that new office maid.
So don't delay me on Christmas eve,
give this guy a break.
I just want a little fun,
and there's so much here at stake.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
5 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem, "Unnecessary Delay," employs a narrative style, focusing on the speaker's experience of holiday shopping and an upcoming office party. The use of language and imagery is effective in conveying the speaker's frustration and urgency. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent meter and rhyme scheme to enhance its musicality and flow.
In the first stanza, the phrase "sullen money misers" paints a vivid picture of the crowds in the stores. However, the line "I wouldn't care if they all died while munching on fireplace smores" might be perceived as overly harsh and could potentially alienate readers. Consider revising this line to maintain the speaker's frustration but in a less extreme manner.
The second stanza effectively portrays the speaker's sense of obligation ("societal demands") and financial stress. However, the rhythm of the lines could be improved. For instance, the line "My wallet is shrinking back from me" has one syllable more than the other lines in this stanza, disrupting the rhythm.
The third stanza introduces a new element - the office party and a potential romantic interest. This adds a layer of complexity to the poem, but it might be beneficial to introduce this element earlier in the poem to create a clearer narrative arc.
The final stanza reiterates the speaker's plea not to be delayed. The line "give this guy a break" is a bit informal compared to the rest of the poem. Consider revising this line to maintain a consistent tone throughout the poem.
Overall, the poem effectively conveys a particular experience and emotion. With some revisions to improve the rhythm, tone, and narrative arc, it could be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Ruby Lord
5 months 3 weeks ago
Hi Geezer,
Hi Geezer,
Your poem captures the utter chaos of last-minute shopping, something everyone can relate to. I think it could be even stronger if your pessimism was balanced with humour to let the reader connect with your experience. I felt your pain, well done.
PS, I had to look up what a “smore” was. The distance in our cultures ha ha. Ruby xxx :)
Geezer
5 months 3 weeks ago
I'll look...
into that humor part. Ha, ha. I thought everyone over twenty-one knew what a '\smore'' is! No matter where you live.
They have them on T.V. commercials almost all winter long, here, and then comes the "camping-season, and nights around the campfire. You do talk as though you know what they are and just by a different name., So, thank you for your read and comment. ~ Geez.
.
Lavender
5 months 3 weeks ago
Hello, Geezer!
This reminded me of all the wild goings-on from the day after Thanksgiving till Christmas day. You've captured the very essence! What a fun read!
Thank you!
L