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Jun 21, 2015
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until the end
my body screams
in silent agony
in the wake of pain
and misery.
its layers slowly peeled away
from me
as seconds stretched
to an eternity
when breathing hurts
the feeling is beyond words
caged in mortal skin,
is the cavity in my chest,
clinging to me like sin
cleansing it is the test.
a trembling, weakened man
still facing the trials with pride
as fingers twist into claws
bones aching
throughout the night
but my mind remains free
my faith, a temple to my soul.
untouchable it will be,
the home of hopes that I hold
this body of flesh will bend
but my will is made of steel,
defiant until the end
it will never kneel.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
China Blue
10 years ago
Alid
if you want to continue the rhyme in stanza one last line just change the order of the words
It's layers slowly peeled away from me
2nd stanza drop the contraction and use I am
last two stanzas it seem to me and this is only my opinion you were searching for a way to end the poem and came up short
what of for example
this body of flesh will bend
but my will is made of steel
defiant until the end
in this life's turning wheel
and leave off the last stanza or give it a real push and punch for an ending
as with all of my critiqes they are given as suggestions
alidzain
10 years ago
Hi Chrys
in truth your feedback comes before I could save some edits so I just add in to it. tell me what you think.
Alid
China Blue
10 years ago
Alid
looks good now and thank you for using my suggestions
alidzain
10 years ago
chrys
thank you for the visit and the suggestions.
Alid
Sparrow
10 years ago
Alid
An excellent write, I talk of the theme and the words, to me it is pure fear of the physical bodies outcome but a tribute to your courage in dealing with these things day to day,
My thoughts go out to you there and all the healing I can send is there also, if it only gives you but one second of the quiet then it is good.
Yours as always, Ian..
alidzain
10 years ago
Hello Ian
you get it. I'm following jayne's footstep by writing something personal, turning it into a therapy where I can self-motivate myself to remain strong. It is nowhere as good as jayne's but it is the feelings that needs to be acknowledged in the sincerest voice from the bottom of my heart.
Alid