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Dec 16, 2018
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Until Time's End
Until the moon stalls, and the waves freeze,
The Earth shatters and fires tease,
Until gods are forgotten and monsters reign,
Our love will hold.
While we grow old and distant,
With postures sloping and wrinkles dominant,
While we knit and crochet, and breathe our last,
Our love is young.
When you cry out and forget my name
Know that my feelings will remain the same,
When you’re sick, or sad, or tired again,
Our love lives on.
And if you ever need my help
When you’re frustrated, and need to yelp,
If you need my hand, my shoulder, or even my heart,
Our love prevails.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is a poem I submitted for publishing. The publisher is giving me one last chance to edit, so please give me everything you have!
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Eumolpus
6 years 6 months ago
a nice poem, and a perfect lyric
because of the theme, the easy and romantic sensibility, the rhyme, the meter and form the poem feels like it wants to be a song lyric. You called it free verse, which it is not. It is obviously rhymed. Song lyric is very wonderful and part of all our lives and usually has immediate appeal and accessibility, as Paul McCartney sung in "Silly little love songs...what's wrong with that, I'd like to know" Nothing.
Editing? Perhaps "and need to yelp" is a bit awkward and forced as a rhyme.
chevyvent
6 years 6 months ago
"Until the moon stalls, and
"Until the moon stalls, and the waves freeze,
The Earth shatters and fires tease,
Until gods are forgotten and monsters reign,
Our love will hold,."
a great sequence to romance noted (Bookdragon )