UNTITLED

Don't tell him to be calm now
not this particular hour of the night
when his brain above are snoring,
and the one between the legs awake
well stretched and hungry
seeking a miracle to perform.

every corner, he seem to be
restless fingers battle, babe you should know
up and down and down mostly
moonlight stories are in vain.
your monthly rivers I 've known
and a drop of your antidote i seek.

hidden between this two gates
heaven can be promised
to get the key to the promise land.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Nigeria , Abuja, NGA

Favorite Poets: John Donne, Williams Wordsworth, Wole Soyinka, Sola Owonibi, Jared Angira, Langston Hughes, P.O.C Umeh, Sir. Walter Raleigh

Comments

Geezer

5 years 6 months ago

You're getting there...

I've known that battle a few times in my years. A little bit ragged, but very promising. One of your lines mixes tenses.
Like: [is] instead of [are] in the third line.

For a title: Try, "Enter The Promised Land"
~ Geezer.
.

Edna Sweetlove

5 years 6 months ago

I have to agree...

..with Geezer that this shows promise. But there are quite a few additional grammatical errors which spoil the flow of the piece. I suggest you read it through very carefully or ask a friend for help.

Simon

5 years 6 months ago

Very well

It's a perfect experience as an adult not only in man but also woman,
"I have been his brain above are snoring" instead of (is) just try and edit it. Nice work.