Ian.T

Jul 08, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A Vacant Stare That's Full

Again I sit waiting for you
Yet I know that you cannot come
We are worlds apart and will be
Though I feel your warmth within me

Days filled with thoughts of us
What a word to use two letters, us!
It is a world of longing love's way
It sustains me and fills my day

I may go through all hell
There you are, holding my soul
I know it is you in the warm shadows
Touching my love and making it true

Not so much true but real
Days scorch away in this my winter
Feelings rise and descend as they will
Stability is there as I recall your love

So what if the written pages of future,
say there will be no meeting of us.
It matters not that there is a gap
One that cannot be forded or filled

I think of you each passing day
There in the wind's quiet whisper
An opening of a flower you reside
I hold you on my open palm.

One day someone will ask of me
Where are your eyes looking?
What do you see as you gaze?
I shall say it is true love out there.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: A quiet thought of some things that made me, me..

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Leicestershire, Ex Moonraker, GBR

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

raj

11 years ago

Ian

I liked the way your thoughts flowed emoting feelings of gratitude and of true love which resides in the chasms of your heart...i guess it's about eternal love of your mother.. I am sure you will notice some words which need to be re-looked at.. The poem has a very soft feel which is consistent with the theme and makes it a good read for me...

The words which you may want to take a re look at could be:-

S1 L4,: Perhaps you could add "feel" after I
S2 L3 love's instead of loves?
S5 L4 Did you mean forged instead of forded
S6 L2 Wind's instead of winds

Just suggestions, though I could be wrong..

Regards,

Ian.T

11 years ago

raj

Thank you for your in depth comment it has helped, I will go through them here.:-
S1 L4,: Perhaps you could add "feel" after I
This is good I left the word out lol

S2 L3 love's instead of loves?
Just the way I talk and write the apostrophe is used as my wife says to indicate it belongs to so you are right on this one.

S5 L4 Did you mean forged instead of forded
Forded is the crossing of a river, from the old days before all those bridges we had fords where it was shallow enough to cross there are still many here now. Forded is the act of crossing a river usually.
S6 L2 Wind's instead of winds
Same as the your second comment did it my way LOL
Thanks again, Yours Ian.T

Geezer

11 years ago

I was..

going to make the same suggestions that raj made and therefore have nothing to add to the critique. I too, liked the soft feel to this. ~ Gee

Ian.T

11 years ago

Gee

Thank you for your visit, I was saying to Jayne that I would have to go back to my gentle stuff as the hard poetry was not going anywhere.
I changed the words according to Raj's input so thanks for agreeing with him.
Take care out there thinking of you all, Yours Ian.T

lovedly

11 years ago

At ths age

you continue to stare ??

Ian.T

11 years ago

Loved

It is only gaze that gives one the internal thoughts that fill the distance You take care and be good if you can,
Yours Ian.T

lovedly

11 years ago

Sure you stare

Sure you stare
I gaze at you
as you stare
then....read on and on.............

alidzain

11 years ago

Hello Ian

This is wonderful. Love how you express it.

Alid

Ian.T

11 years ago

Alid

Thank you for your visit, and comment, I returned to my memories for a while just to rest there..
Yours Ian.T

Robert Melliard

11 years ago

Calmness

I like the calmness this poem creates, as if distant love could protect us from ups and downs, at least that's the way I read it.
Best wishes,
Robert.

Ian.T

11 years ago

Robert

There are times when we just look into space and remember someone that is so dear, that their memory is so clear it rests the soul, Thanks for your visit, take care, Yours Ian.T