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May 28, 2025
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Vacantness
Shadows encircled as baited traps,
Soul sucking demons, silence welcomed.
Choking and acrid to all the senses,
Lingering beyond all rhyme or reason.
And then as if abducted by light,
Darkness vanished without a trace.
Leaving a shiny bloom of joy,
It would be comedic if it weren't true.
The contrast enough to blow minds,
Or to stand up as a great deception.
But then I awakened from despair,
Upon a cloud of nothingness.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
3 weeks 6 days ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem explores contrasts between darkness and light, despair and joy, and attempts to evoke emotional shifts through vivid imagery. However, there are several areas that could benefit from further refinement:
1. **Imagery and Clarity:**
The poem uses abstract and generalized imagery ("Soul sucking demons," "shiny bloom of joy," "cloud of nothingness"), which can feel overly familiar or vague. Consider grounding these images in more concrete, specific details to strengthen their emotional impact and originality.
2. **Consistency of Tone and Voice:**
The phrase "It would be comedic if it weren't true" introduces a tonal shift that seems somewhat abrupt and out of place with the poem's otherwise serious and introspective mood. Clarifying the intended tone or smoothing transitions between contrasting emotional states could help maintain coherence.
3. **Language and Word Choice:**
Expressions like "blow minds" and "great deception" feel somewhat colloquial or cliché compared to the poem's earlier, more formal diction ("encircled," "acrid," "abducted"). Aligning the register of language throughout the poem would enhance unity and readability.
4. **Thematic Development:**
The poem introduces a shift from darkness to light, despair to awakening, but the concluding line ("Upon a cloud of nothingness") leaves the reader uncertain about the speaker's ultimate emotional or thematic resolution. Clarifying or expanding this conclusion could provide greater thematic depth and resolution.
To improve the poem, consider focusing on specificity of imagery, consistency in tone, careful word choice, and clearer thematic progression.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Wallyroo92
3 weeks 4 days ago
Vacantness
Those opening lines are so relatable. Sometimes we get pulled into that darkness feeling vulnerable and helpless.
Excellent work