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Nov 06, 2010
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VACATION SNAPSHOT
A balcony right on the sea
nobody here but you and me.
Music wafting to us from the pool,
for you I guess I'm still a fool.
We sit with wine glasses in hand
on the Myrtle Beach grand strand
as the dim dusk fades to night
and the stars blink into sight.
Neither of us still are kids
( in fact I know I've hit the skids )
but I still get lost in your eyes
which shouldn't take you by surprise.
So before we go to eat
we'll sit here on our shared bench seat
and watch the ocean waves roll in
savoring the love we're in.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
judyanne
14 years 8 months ago
beautiful stan
you boys must all be feeling lovey-dovey at the moment, all writing these love poems
and all doing such a great job i'm beginning to get a little jealous of the recipients
just one lin:
'music coming up from to us from pool'
sounds like the pool itself is making music
maybe
'music drifts up from beside the pool'?
love
judy
xxxx
scribbler
14 years 8 months ago
snap
I guess you get your share also lol. I knew as soon as I hit review that line 3 was wrong but at that time computer wouldn't let me edit for some reason........scribbler
scribbler
14 years 8 months ago
snap
See above reply. Thanks as I didn't catch "night " repeat. Have rewritten now......stan
scribbler
14 years 8 months ago
snap
Thanks Shirley. Just be sure writing hand stays in solid form lol........stan
scribbler
14 years 8 months ago
snapshot
I agree with need to edit. Now if computer will just let me I will do so..........scribbler
scribbler
14 years 8 months ago
snap
Praise indeed coming from you Lonnie. I assume Stan-like means full of errors lmao. Thank you for the visit.....stan
Nordic cloud
14 years 8 months ago
Oh this is lovely, what an atmosphere
Beautiful Stan. Just beautiful
Love from Ann.
scribbler
14 years 8 months ago
snapshot
thank you Ann for coming by and leaving such a nice comment.........stan
Race_9togo
14 years 8 months ago
Excellent
Love this tiny slice of life taken from two lives gripped by love, scribbler. It's magic, and not sentimental at all.
3rd line, first stanza, does not fit the cadence very well. I think it's "coming up" that makes it choppy. I think maybe replace "coming" and lose "up"
"rising"
"climbing"
"wafting"
"pouring" (maybe not: things pour out and down, not up)
"floating"
Just a thought.
scribbler
14 years 8 months ago
snapshot
Hmmmm..... I always value advice and will be sure to use yours in the inevitable edit. Thanks for dropping in and leaving a helpful comment......scribbler