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Oct 27, 2012
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The stars loom over us
we watch, listen, wonder.
We seek something bigger.
Radiant as we are,
there is no ending here.
Space is suffocating,
it sees no depth to us.
We are as we are.
Eyes reflect what they see,
we see what we are.
Holding back time for now,
we see where we once were,
and look past to the end.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Ian.T
12 years 11 months ago
Spence
This is a lot better and you have taken much more care with the layout.
Try to get away from the same word on the end of lines such as--US and ARE there are many things you can do to try having a go at --
"Eternal Renga Continues" it will assist you in syllable count and the stanzas are two and three liners, Take care hear from you soon,
Yours Ian.T