Geezer

Apr 11, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Wages of Sloth...

There is so much to make up for
He has floundered and thrashed about
Maybe he could do more
If he just gets out

He tries and fails so frequently
Nothing seems to work
It seems to come quite naturally
For him to feel the jerk

Each day when he arises
He vows to do his best
But there are no surprises
When today is like the rest

The eternal optimistic
Maybe a different tomorrow
I guess the fates must be sadistic
They bring him only sorrow

But as he lays down his weary head
To sleep again tonight
Hope shines it's light o'er his bedstead
That the future is still bright

He will mark the world someday
He knows that it is true
There just has to be a way
He'll figure out what to do

Then he'll show them all
He's the one with class
He'll be standing proud and tall
If he will just get off his ass

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Thank you Stan and Jane, and Ephram. And now Xavier!

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York State - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

scribbler

14 years 3 months ago

Hi Geeze

LOL. It seems too many people these days don't realize that the 1st part of accomplishing something is to SHOW UP. As usual I have a few alternatives for you to consider :
L-3 change will to could
L-4 if he would......
L-11 change there's to there are
L-12 change today to each day
L-15 try changing to The fates I guess must bo sadistic
L-20 switch places with still and is
next to last line try ........proud and tall
last word Tell stan to leave your poem alone..................scribbler

Geezer

14 years 3 months ago

Showing up...

is like the first step of any journey. You have to start, before you can finish.
In looking at the changes suggested by you and Jane, I saw a couple that I will make.
[Could] is a good one.
I try not to use what I would consider key words, [each] twice.
It seems to me that changing the line: I guess the fates must be sadistic, changes the cadence just a bit, and I like it the way it is.
I was going to go with [is still] to begin with, and think you are right.
I added the word [proud], it does read better.
Thanks for the suggestions, and if I were to tell you to leave my poem alone, then I would be violating the spirit of why I am here. Thanks, ~ Gee

Geezer

14 years 3 months ago

Hesitation...

is the son of procrastination. LOL. I think changing the word sadistic to sadist, would lead me to changing the next rhyming line, so it would rhyme better. I suppose that I could, but I'm not sure I want to. I will think on it some more. Thanks for the read and comments. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

Geezer

14 years 3 months ago

Thank you much...

So glad you liked the title. It was a struggle to get it right. love ya, ~ Gee

Geezer

14 years 3 months ago

Thanks...

for pointing that out, and for the great re-write of that stanza. I will go change it. ~ Gee

weirdelf

14 years 3 months ago

You wouldn't have to guess what I would think

of the form of this. You've received some good feedback on structure.

I want to comment on the content. You are talking about someone with major depression. They have always been reviled as lazy and useless and only in recent years been recognised and become treatable as having a genuine mental illness. That last line is inhumane. I suggest your poem contributes nothing to someone in this plight.

Geezer

14 years 3 months ago

Actually...

This was written by me, about me, for me, and just as a pep-talk. Thanks for the heads up though, maybe I should seek treatment. As always, ~ Gee

Xavier Sleuth

3 years 11 months ago

Good one-

Soon as I saw the title, I knew I was going to feel called out.
I'd name a favorite line
But the whole poem just slapped me upside the head.
Though this line:
"He'll be standing proud and tall
If he will just get off his ass"
Made me smile.

Geezer

3 years 11 months ago

Again...

you have helped me, because I went over the comments and re-reading with fresh eyes; very often brings a new light to the way I've written something and helps me edit! ~ Geez.
.