Sen99

Mar 09, 2021 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

The Waiting Game

I waited, I waited and waited some more
No one came knocking, no one at the door
And the years went by and by
For fifty years I sat squatted
Still nothing
I grew older than dirt
Two eyes gather dust
My heart has died quietly
My liver has turned bitter
My kidneys have failed
While on a waiting list

While waiting I looked at the time
While waiting I wrote a death letter
While waiting I watched a fly grow wings
Birds fell from the sky
Time stopped
Damaged hands of the clock
But I have taken vows
To keep waiting

Life’s lesson learned :
my breath bated
kick the legs away
Nothing comes to those who waited

About This Poem

Last Few Words: is patience really a waste of time

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Nottinghamshire England, GBR

Comments

Peajay

4 years 4 months ago

Hello Sen,

Hello Sen,
an honest and heartfelt poem. Liked 'birds fell from the sky'.

Just a couple of things - 'It was all very boring' is not great line in a poem.
The grammar of the last line should read 'nothing came to those who waited' - which chimes nicely with away....or 'nothing comes to those who wait'.

just my thoughts...................PJ

Sen99

4 years 4 months ago

Feedback

Hi Peajay

Thank you for reading and taking the time to leave a comment,. The line with "boring" I could substitute another word, conveying tedium. I will look at the last line again for a better ending.
Thanks again
Sen

Ray Whitaker

4 years 4 months ago

Nice poece, thank you

I have toa agree with Peajay about “boring”... it defeats the power inherit in the poem.

Having said that, I do look forward to reading more of your work.

Sen99

4 years 4 months ago

thank you Ray

thanks for reading and commenting, I will endeavour to write more

Arrow

4 years 4 months ago

Patience is probably a virtue

passivity not so much. You've got tragedy here, where the action finally being taken is suicide (at least that's how I'm taking the last stanza). I don't know if you need to find another word for boring. I'd be inclined just to strike the line. The good use of repetition gives a sense of the tedium. Speaking of repetition, I wonder if it would help to standardize the lines in the first stanza like you have in the second. You've got active tense, passive tense (I hope that's right. Grammar was so long ago.), and one phrase combined with another line. Maybe something like:

After fifty years, still nothing
I sat squatted
I grew older than dirt
Two eyes gathered dust
My heart died quietly
My liver turned bitter
My kidneys failed

I enjoy your work. Something raw about it.

Sen99

4 years 4 months ago

Thank You Arrow

for your comments and suggestions, by consensus, the line with boring, now removed. Active tense I think has more impact, not a grammar wizard on tenses but thanks for your suggestions

lovedly

4 years 4 months ago

Those who wait

only increase weight
so best 'tis it
kick em who
make you wait
then let them imagine
their own state
when they have to wait

Sen99

4 years 4 months ago

thanks

could not have said it better myself