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Oct 18, 2024
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Waking Up Naked
Lying in my bed, eyes slit open
closing them against the night's dark,
I began my ritual chant...
Visualizing with a spark,
to free my spirit from my body
go exploring about the town,
be not weighted with life's concerns
only when wanting to, touch down.
Astral Projection, it is called,
I employed it time and time again.
When I was young, healthy and strong,
could not wait to softly begin.
Drawback: waking up buck naked
cold and icy without cover.
Get into nightgown on the hook
then into bed to recover!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: written on Candlewitch Notepad
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
8 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Waking Up Naked" presents an interesting exploration of astral projection, using a mix of narrative and descriptive techniques. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.
Firstly, the rhythm of the poem could be more consistent. There are some lines that have more syllables than others, which disrupts the flow. For example, the line "I employed it time and time again" has more syllables than the lines around it. Adjusting the syllable count to be more consistent across lines could help to improve the rhythm.
Secondly, the language used in the poem could be more vivid. While there are some descriptive phrases such as "eyes slit open" and "cold and icy without cover", there are other areas of the poem that could benefit from more detailed imagery. For example, the stanza about astral projection could include more specific descriptions of what the speaker sees or experiences during these journeys.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative structure. While the poem does tell a story about astral projection and its consequences, the narrative could be developed more fully. This could include more details about why the speaker uses astral projection, what they gain from it, and how it affects their life. This would help to create a more engaging and immersive narrative for the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
8 months 1 week ago
Waking Up Naked
Hello, Cat,
Astral projection - fascinating. Chatted with a few people who have experienced it. Sounds both surreal and yet, somehow grounding.
Thank you!
Lx
Candlewitch
8 months 1 week ago
Dear Lavender,
It is quite the experience, when it is achieved. I have done it, in the past, many times. It is like changing dimensions. There are books to be had on the subject, if you are interested. I have used meditation and self-hypnosis in gaining my goal. Thank you for your comment.
hugs, Cat xxx