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Apr 24, 2011
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warm breeze
leave shadows idle
beyond tomorrows night sky
give me back the sun
so I may begin to feel
warmth in my bones, heart and soul
it is time to live
free upon a gentle breeze
watching flowers sway
About This Poem
Last Few Words: 5,7,5,7,7, syllables - traditional tanka followed by 5,7,5 syllables - traditional senryu/haiku
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
scribbler
14 years 2 months ago
hello
had no idea this was a combined Japanese style. I guess not noticing means it flows well. Only change I would suggest is : watching flowers sway..................scribbler
49reasons
14 years 2 months ago
scribbler
thanks for the suggestion. the senryu/haiku flows much better now.
CCfire
14 years 2 months ago
Very clever combination of
Very clever combination of tanka and haiku and the flow is really good. I like Scribbler's change, but it's a lovely piece.
49reasons
14 years 2 months ago
CC
:D thanks
Eduardo Cruz
14 years 2 months ago
Juls
what you have done here is superb! the combo is such a wonderful idea. I love how you blended it with your thym.
Change or no change Bravisima!
49reasons
14 years 2 months ago
Eddie
I have written a few pieces using this combination. It seems to work well in most cases as far as the flow & rhythm is concerned.
Roscoe Lane
14 years 2 months ago
Beautiful images.
Beautiful images here, i love the gentle feeling you have captured in this poem. Regards Roscoe...
49reasons
14 years 2 months ago
Roscoe
thanks for stopping by, glad to see you enjoyed it.
lou
14 years 2 months ago
Hi
A cry for freedom and a little beauty, that's what we all want. I enjoyed this poem.
Lou
49reasons
14 years 2 months ago
lou
freedom is a wonderful thing to have. there are many that don't have this luxury
thanks for reading
Geezer
14 years 2 months ago
I just had to...
join in, and say that I really enjoyed this. Your scheme and theme worked great! ~ Gee
49reasons
14 years 2 months ago
Gee
thanks for stopping by and reading.
I do love to write haiku
magics02
14 years 2 months ago
Juls
May I give it a little flow suggest as you got the words right..let me know. I will do so and you may like or not it is only of my suggest.
magics02
14 years 2 months ago
Just a thought
leave shadows idle
beyond tomorrows
night sky
give me back the sun
so I may begin to feel
warmth in my bones
in this heart and soul
it is time to live
free upon
a gentle breeze
watching as
flowers sway
Juls as I read this aloud slowly by breaking it up in speaking to allow the break or pause in flow.. Let me know what you think and by all means leave it as is if you so desire my friend..
49reasons
14 years 2 months ago
Mona
Thank you for reading my friend.
The format of this piece is set as a senryu and haiku so I will leave it as it is. In saying that, I do like your suggestions.
I will copy the way you have set it out and in the future will swap things around and add more to the piece
.