alidzain

Apr 01, 2015 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the contest:

KYRIELLE

(Read More...)

A Warrior's Prayer (April's Contest)

When courage dies in hearts of Man
and blood is shed across the land
My God, to You I bow and pray
Be You the light that shows my way

I asked of You to save my soul
and let my blade be firm and bold
to kill the beasts that come to prey
Be You the light that shows my way

Just let me dance with all my will
to slay my foes who wished me ill
Against the odds, I will not stray
Be You the light that shows my way

What be my fate, I will embrace
to live or die without disgrace
I know no fear that makes me sway
Be You the light that shows my way

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

judyanne

10 years 3 months ago

Hi Alid

I love this - a great entry
i have nothing to offer as suggestion for improvement
best of luck in the contest
love judy
xxx

alidzain

10 years 3 months ago

Thanks, Judy

I can't wait to see the work of the other contestants.

Alid

Rula

10 years 3 months ago

a top writing dear brother

A one I wish I have written.
Loved the theme and the meter is great!!
I see you have capitalized the "you" but not in Line 3 Stanza 1
a tiny typo:
to kill the beasts that come[s] to prey......if you mean to refer to the "beasts"
Best of luck in the contest.

alidzain

10 years 3 months ago

Salam, Rula

Done the edits. Thanks for the wishes.

Alid

Sparrow

10 years 3 months ago

Alid

As you have submitted your poem already Having read it with nasty thoughts in my head that it is so good, I shall go and paint on the walls of my cave to see if I can forget its excellence,
Sparrow is sulking.
What more can I say lol, it was great, Yours Ian..

alidzain

10 years 3 months ago

Hello Ian

thanks for the comments.

Alid

raj

10 years 3 months ago

Alid

I read this not to comment because I am not qualified enough to do that. Good to read the comments of stalwarts. Even without reading those I would have still said I liked it a lot.

Regards,

alidzain

10 years 3 months ago

Thanks Raj

Glad you liked it a lot.

Alid

Barbara Writes

10 years 3 months ago

Alid

I like this. The rhyming is wonderful

alidzain

10 years 3 months ago

Thanks, Barbara

I'm just trying my luck.

Alid

mand

10 years 3 months ago

Fantastic

In my opinion this is one of your best poems! :) The poem itself reminds me of the Psalms of David. The flow is perfect and the subject suits the style.

Well done Alid - wonderful :)

Love Mand xxx

alidzain

10 years 3 months ago

Mand

Thank you very much. Its interesting that it reminds you of the Psalms when I have never read it before. Anyway I am glad you liked it.

Alid

wesley snow

10 years 3 months ago

There is one problem, but it may be because the directions

were not complete.
But here goes: you chose quatrains over couplets. Your line breaks demonstrate it. You did not choose to use couplets. There are multiple rhyme schemes to choose from in quatrain form,
BUT the scheme must be the same for each stanza. Therefore the rhyme scheme of the first stanza:
a-a-b-B must be the rhyme scheme for all following stanza. Your next stanza was c-c-b-B. Different from the scheme you chose in the first stanza.
It was probably missing from the instructions and the judge may have disincluded it to make the poem easier or it was just a mix up.
Now, to the poem. It is nearly profound. Beautifully crafted. You will be competitive in the contest I'm sure.

alidzain

10 years 3 months ago

Wes

Thanks for the info. I wonder if I can edit it that much since its a contest. Anyway, I'm thinking of doing another one of the same style and quatern once I have some ideas.

Alid

scribbler

10 years 3 months ago

Hi Alid

I like this a lot. In answer to you question about editing. All contest poems can always be edited up until the 22nd of the month. This gives plenty of time for edits but also gives the contest judge about a week to judge without having to keep going back because of further editing. Now I gotta get something for the contest thrown together lol......stan

alidzain

10 years 3 months ago

Hi Stan

I think after this edit, I will leave it as it be.

Alid

judyanne

10 years 3 months ago

well, I have made the same mistake with mine

As that is how I read the instructions
But I just popped onto the net, and sites tell me the scheme aabB ccbB ddbB... or other varients - there is nowhere I see that says it has to be aabB aabB aabB....
For eg .... https://www.forwardpoetry.co.uk/kyrielle.php

So have I steered Raj wrong??
xxx

wesley snow

10 years 2 months ago

I don't think so.

Like I said: the form is maddeningly strict while loose at the same time.

wesley snow

10 years 3 months ago

It is hard to write in a style that

puts restrictions on you, but I believe that restricting your work is how you learn to use your vocabulary and storytelling techniques as well as influencing the rest of your skills.

judyanne

10 years 3 months ago

good edits - and I like the added stanza

But one little thing - 'A glorious end I will embrace' - has nine syllables
xxx

alidzain

10 years 3 months ago

hmmm

must be the word "glorious". Shucks! Not sure what other word could replace it.

Alid

alidzain

10 years 3 months ago

Hi all!

I've edited the last stanza. What do you think?

Alid

raj

10 years 3 months ago

hmm

so even the stalwarts are confused about syllable count and rhyme pattern...but i guess the judge will or rather should go by the instructions in the syllabus...it would be unfair if that isn't to happen...but why should I bother..i am not participating in the contest anyways ..