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This poem is part of the challenge:

03/25 Lost at Sea

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Water Everywhere

Everywhere is a wall of water
Big breakers smash the reef
Sorrow comes like a tidal wave
The seas are heavy with grief
Sadness will come in spurts
All these little pangs of pain
Small shards of hurt
cling to me like limpets.

Again and again the waves return
Crash and engulf the shore
Here I’m stranded like a starfish
Sadness will drown me more

Hearing a persistent noise
a heaving of the sea
Like the yelling of a child inside
until there’s nothing left
The heart is like a kettle bell
sorrows crushing my chest
Grief like the oldest stone
stubborn and unmovable.

Formalities will take many days
its all just dragging on
Doctors’ reports and paperwork
sadness it just prolongs

So, please ignore my furrowed brow
don’t meet my vacant stare
Lost in a sea of sorrows
There’s just water everywhere.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Region, Country: Nottinghamshire England, GBR

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Comments

neopoet

neopoet

4 months ago

Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem employs sustained water imagery effectively to convey emotional heaviness and grief. The metaphor of waves, breakers, and sea creatures provides coherence and unity to the emotional experience described. However, there are several areas that could benefit from further refinement:

1. Imagery and Originality:
The poem relies heavily on familiar metaphors ("tidal wave," "heavy seas," "drowning sadness"). Consider pushing beyond these common images to offer a fresher perspective or more unique comparisons that surprise the reader and deepen emotional resonance.

2. Consistency and Clarity:
The stanza beginning "Hearing a persistent noise..." introduces a new metaphor ("a child yelling inside," "kettle bell," "oldest stone") that slightly disrupts the established marine imagery. While varied metaphors can enrich a poem, here they risk fragmenting the established thematic unity. Consider whether these additional metaphors can be more carefully integrated or streamlined to maintain consistency.

3. Language and Precision:
Certain phrases, such as "small shards of hurt," "cling to me like limpets," and "stranded like a starfish," are promising but could be sharpened. For example, "small shards of hurt" is somewhat abstract—consider specifying what these "shards" represent concretely. Similarly, "cling to me like limpets" is vivid, but the emotional implication could be clarified or expanded upon.

4. Structural Considerations:
The stanza about "Formalities" ("Doctors’ reports and paperwork") introduces a practical, everyday dimension to the poem’s otherwise metaphorical approach. While this contrast can be effective, the shift feels abrupt. Consider either integrating this practical aspect earlier in the poem or transitioning more smoothly to avoid disrupting emotional momentum.

5. Rhythm and Flow:
The poem’s rhythm is generally consistent, but some lines feel slightly awkward or uneven, such as "Sadness will drown me more" or "sadness it just prolongs." Consider revising these lines for smoother readability and stronger impact.

Overall, the poem demonstrates a clear emotional intent and thematic unity. Refining imagery, clarifying metaphors, and ensuring structural coherence will strengthen the poem’s overall impact.

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