Madderose

Jun 27, 2017 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Watershed

Down by the docks
The seagulls are hungry
(So am I)
Are you ready to gorge
On your ploughmans basket
With mustard
Craaaaawwww Craaaaawwww
They always want more
(So do I)
The clouds are gathering pace
Spinning swirling overhead
You munch swallow dribble
Break us some bread
You can never quite finish
(Nor can I)
The clock strikes hard - it's one
Quick quick quick run run run
Pay the bill leave a quid tip
Run up the stairs
The fun house art house show has begun

About This Poem

Last Few Words: The watershed is an art house cinema complex down on the docks in Bristol.... But I'm hoping the poem could apply to a personal watershed? Did that come across?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Bristol, UK., GBR

Comments

Madderose

8 years 4 months ago

How do I do revisions?

vandiemenspeak

8 years 4 months ago

Hi Maddy, just edit the poem, and

Revisions will appear there in revisions tab after you save.

This is really cool how you bracket off your sense of the narrative, like a mini interior monologue? I'm adding you to list of ones to watch..I kinda sorta know that area, having originally been a UK lad.

Take care,

Chris.

Madderose

8 years 3 months ago

Sorry for the delay in

Sorry for the delay in replying... busy summer days.
Thanks for the tip.
So an ex pat then?
I'll write some more uk inspired stuff to remind you of home.

vandiemenspeak

8 years 3 months ago

Well - that would be grand..

Your poem, and it's references to that fantastic city, make me feel closer to home, as subject close to my heart..I hope to read more of your impressions of home, it's nice to hear a voice from the old country, especially one so inventive! This is good stuff..

Thank you Maddy,

Take care..

Chris.

weirdelf

8 years 3 months ago

Love this, Maddy,

The parenthetical asides work splendidly, vividly personal.
Yes, I feel the watershed.
I can't quite bring myself to the
Craaaaawwww Craaaaawwww
You'll hear why in a second. Poetry has always been very verbal for me.
Also it feels more like crow than gull (yes, seriously).
I would have gone perhaps for Skreech and squark or something. But that's just me.
No other crit, this is a really polished lovely piece.
Here is my read of it. With your permission I would like to post it to our Neopoet.com Facebook page.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/watershed-by-madderose

Madderose

8 years 3 months ago

Now I was there thinking that

Now I was there thinking that Jess was a lady!
Thank you soooo much for your recording.
I half expected to hear squarks!
This is so much fun.
I'll play it to my flatmate when she gets home.
She'll be as chuffed as me! Yes pop it on if you like...
When we work out how I might return the favor. But it'll be her voice. Hers is better and she's a part time actress -she'd love it! I'll be the director.....
What poem would you like her to read? And you too Mr Van Demon?
Whoops gotta dash and get ready for work... totally inspired. Watch out Bristol. Poetry loud as for the weekend.
Ta!

vandiemenspeak

8 years 3 months ago

Thanks Maddy, I think I was a little rude..

Jumping in front of Jess, but as we're all friends here, I'm sure he'll forgive me - you should have a go at the piece from Jess first. And if you like, time allowing there's this from me:

https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/when-dam-b-u-r-s-t

Thanks,

Chris.

weirdelf

8 years 3 months ago

You may regret that offer, Maddy,

but I'll gladly take you up on it, it really helps get perspective on a difficult work hearing it in someone else's voice.
The poem I'm thinking of is still in process, as part of a workshop here I stripped the imagery out of a Keats poem then rebuilt it with my own imagery and style. I gave poor defenceless Mr Keats a junkie poet's voice! Yes, heresy. You can still back out.
The poem is in rough draft but you can see its present form, and the transition from Keats at
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/when-i-have-fears-final-rewrite-…

It's been an interesting workshop.

weirdelf

8 years 3 months ago

Forgive me, Maddy,

that was a really heavy piece I offered you, I have a mischievous streak.
Do get into reading other poet's work though, anyones. It really helps one develop an ear for the music of poetry, which you already seem to have quite well.

If you need any help with the technology of recording and uploading Chris or I would be glad to help.

scribbler

8 years 3 months ago

Hello!

That last line is So good. It can be taken literally or taken as a dig on what modern life has become. most excellent.......stan

Madderose

8 years 3 months ago

Thank you Mr Scribbler!

I am so pleased to get this feedback! Yes the last line was a bit tongue in cheek ;) Glad you enjoyed, gotta dash (always, again) - will be back to read you soon.

Ta,

Maddy