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Pugilist
Pugilist
Aug 25, 2019 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

The Weight Of Words

The Weight Of Words

In my youth, words were an anchor,
defining the acceptable,
passing judgement on my actions,
and marking life's expectations.

In adulthood, they were purpose,
as I shaped the jagged pieces,
of failed assumption and regret,
into dreams I found worth living.

As a father, words were power,
to sweep away limitations
and pave the paths of my children
with unbound possibilities.

And now, as I approach twilight,
the responsibility of
the phrases I choose to utter
are a solemn obligation.

But, much more important than that,
are the words I choose to embrace,
and the words I chose to reject,
and the words I refuse to hear.

This does not pause the clamoring,
of those who wish their tired demands,
would waver my resolution
and litter my soul with their greed.

But it provides to me a lens,
a grand perspective I use, to
filter the noise and sad ashes
that were never of consequence.

And there is peace to be found here.
A realization of purpose,
a final construct of wonder,
that defines my destination.

Original

In my youth, words were an anchor,
Defining the acceptable,
Passing judgement on my actions,
And marking life's expectations.

As a father, words were power,
To sweep away limitations
And pave the paths of my children
With unbound possibilities.

And now, as I approach twilight,
The responsibility of
The phrases I choose to utter
Are a solemn obligation.

But, much more important than that,
Are the words I choose to embrace,
And the words I chose to reject,
And the words I refuse to hear.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This was a thought that grew into verse. This is the first pass, which i normally would not post, but i believe it is important that we expose our work fro review and comment. Be honest, be direct, and realize that the kindness i seek is a path to improvement, never praise for substandard effort. Structure wise, this is unmeasured tetrameter and is constructed to be spoken so the punctuation and pacing is intended to support that.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jacksonville area, FL, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Keats, Kipling, Carroll, Yeats, Tolkien, Shakespeare

More from this author

Comments

T

tyro

5 years 10 months ago

I love the theme, and find

I love the theme, and find the execution of the theme very good.

"And now, as I approach twilight,
The responsibility of
The phrases I choose to utter
Are a solemn obligation."

This is my favorite stanza because it speaks of wisdom acquired with age. I think it reads exceptionally smooth for unmeasured verse. If you tried to measure it, I think the work would be worth while.

weirdelf

weirdelf

5 years 10 months ago

oh yes, you fucked up [grins]

It's just the last line really. A huge disappointment to a poem with so much intrinsic value. I think you were trying to say something almost the opposite. Actually, content-wise there are things strike me odd. Can you see the problem with the word 'fill' in these two lines?
"And fill the paths of my children
With unbound possibilities."
Unbound possibilities are bound if it is you filling them.

In terms of prosody this is much more melodious than your other works, I like that. Here is my reading-
https://vocaroo.com/i/s0v86KUxSq0j

[Yours were some of the most constructive words in the recent Advocates symposium, I am coming back full force in critique and would appreciate your critique of my critique}

Pugilist

Pugilist

5 years 10 months ago

Still thinking on this

I am reviewing the comments and observations and will post an update in a few days. I am, mostly, a slow writer.

But the honest feedback is exactly what I want, so, thank you all sincerely.

S

scribbler

5 years 10 months ago

Hi

This has good bones. But it reads like prose to me. A bit of alliteration or other poetic devices here and there would help. And that last stanza........have you considered adding rhyme to the last couple of lines to increase impact?

Sparrow

Sparrow

5 years 10 months ago

Johnathan

Your write is top line as usual, we expect nothing less. Now you left the room before uttering that last few lines, that I would like to see.
Another stanza would complete the journey..
Yours Ian ..

Eumolpus

Eumolpus

5 years 10 months ago

My take

I would drop the second stanza. It leads us off into a different abstraction of possibilities, I don't think they connect with the narrative below. I also dropped some "And"s, and a "much"- sounds tighter to me. This poem I think expresses a lot, and with a nice poetic truth. WDYT?

Weight Of Words

In my youth, words were an anchor,
Defining the acceptable,
Passing judgement on my actions,
Marking life's expectations.

Now, as I approach twilight,
The responsibility of
The phrases I choose to utter
Are a solemn obligation.

But, more important than that,
Are the words I choose to embrace,
And the words I chose to reject,
And the words I refuse to hear.