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Apr 15, 2016
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What’s Inside
You’re gazing long into a lady’s face,
a probing look to search out any flaw;
the mental picture you in secret draw,
compared to model queens of style and grace.
The slightest thing, a hair that’s out of place,
akin to breach of some unwritten law;
and so you see in viewing features raw
another outward sign of her disgrace.
But what is there to say that beauty’s missed?
Is not there something hidden deep inside?
Whatever seems to be the final price,
there is one truth that cannot be dismissed;
that inner beauty rides upon life’s tide,
while surface features vanish in a trice.
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
An awesome
Petrarchan sonnet Mr. Logan. A great subtext too.
However, I feel there are two places where the rhythm can be smoother
S.1 L.1
You’re Gaz/ing LONG/ INto/ a LA/dy’s face, [LONG, IN are both stressed]
Line 5 in the sestet
that IN/ner BEAU/ty RIDES/ upON/LIF'S tide,
Hope this helps.
Appreciate the effort and the message delivered throughout.
Thanks for sharing.
Keith Logan
9 years 3 months ago
Rula,
I appreciate your reading and taking the time and effort to give a thoughtful response.
Actually I am not very happy with this poem because I feel it is too regular. I like a little variation when it can be managed without disturbing the flow. Both the lines you highlight read to me, more like this;
You’re GAZ/ing LONG/ inTO/ a LA/dy’s FACE
and
that IN/ner BEAU/ty RIDES/ upON/life’s TIDE
even if one feels the necessity to stress LIFE’S
(which I could not do, with the stress pattern already established) it would be an acceptable variation. To my way of thinking, the rules in poetry are never so rigid as to force an arrhythmic variation on an otherwise smooth flow.
Of course this is a personal opinion which is my own and you are equally entitled to have a contrary viewpoint.
Rula
9 years 2 months ago
hello Keith
of course you've the advantage of being a native speaker of the language and might know better where to stress and where not to, but I too have the advantage of not having any slant accent to interfere or disturb my loud reading. Just my thoughts though, you don't need to take it anyway.
Best regards
lovedly
9 years 2 months ago
i love sonnets
even if i can't compose one
all my life
I've been a freelancer
of free style only
as I know little nuances of poetry
all fall on deaf ears and bland knees
I can't with syllables counts ever deal
but this sonnet is lovely
readable technically ask the poets real
as above
RULA is one
Keith Logan
9 years 2 months ago
To tell the truth
I don't slavishly count syllables, I read the poem in my mind as if reading out loud. If it feels smooth and rhythmic, that does for me. I really think that a goodly part of poetry is how it feels and connects to the reader. Also, rhythmic variation can be an attractive addition to an otherwise bland poem.
lovedly
9 years 2 months ago
thank you
the same way we both do
shall continue too
nice knowing you
new friend